More Photos & Thoughts About David

We visited David today, 1 week after his birth and death. I still don't know how to classify what happened. Is it considered a miscarriage or a still born? I don't know yet. That's something I'm going to talk to my OB about next week. He was alive and had a heartbeat about an hour before I delivered him. Obviously, he wasn't developed enough to sustain life outside of the womb, so I'm not really sure when he would have died.

In the previous pictures I shared, you saw the box that the hospital sent him home in. It was a beautiful box, but Ross and I both felt that David should have something a little sturdier to be buried in. Ross built this pine box for him. I think the building process and the process of actually preparing the grave site was very beneficial in Ross' grieving.

It may seem a little morbid to some, but I really felt the need to have something lifelong to look back on and remember him by. So we decided to take a few pictures before we buried him. I was really glad that neither Ross or I felt like smiling though, that would have felt weird. The girls did, simply because they are so used to being told to smile when someone is taking a picture.

It's been very therapeutic for me to blog about my feelings and share these pictures. I know that many of you have posted comments here and on Facebook and while I may not have responded personally to you, I had read and received each and every message with a lot of gratitude. It's comforting to know that so many people have felt the hurt with us and are praying for us as we heal. Things won't be the same ever again, but I know that God has a purpose and a plan for our lives and I'm trusting in Him to get us through this season in our lives. My good, lifelong friend Shelley posted a scripture the other day that really ministered to me.

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

A time to die;

A time to plant,

A time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill,

A time to heal;

A time to break down,

And a time to build up;

A time to weep,

And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones,

And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace,

And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain,

And a time to lose;

A time to keep,

And a time to throw away;

A time to tear,

And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence,

And a time to speak;

A time to love,

And a time to hate;

A time of war,

And a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Ramblings

I still don't have my thoughts coherent enough to put David's birth story down.

I'm sad...the pain of losing my son is less sharp, but I'm still extremely sad.

My girls bring me great joy every day, I know they are going to make things easier in the healing process.

I'm extremely irritable, especially when it comes to my patience level with the girls.

The kind words and messages I've received via Facebook, this blog, snail mail, texts and phone calls have blessed me. It helps to know that so many people understand what I'm feeling and are reaching out to me.

At the same point I've wondered at the noticeable quietness of some people who are very active on FB, but have offered no words of condolence to me or my family. I consider all of my FB friends a part of my life and try and communicate happiness, sadness, concern, etc in their lives when they post about it. I'm sure it's just my hormones and tender emotions wrecking havoc with me. Or is it that wacky timeline thing? Have I missed a major event in someone's life and not offered any words and made someone feel this way about me? I hope not....

Ross has been my rock since losing David. I've been concerned that he might not be grieving the way he should because he is worried about me. He has reassured me that he is grieving in his own way. He always seems to know just when I need a hug or comforting touch from him. We have drawn closer together and I'm thankful for that.

I'm not angry about what happened, I trust that God had a reason and that's good enough to get me through. I completely trust in His plan for our lives and I know that He does not make mistakes.

It totally sucks that I'll never get to hold my son the way I longed too when dreaming of his birth at full term. And I don't feel angry, just really sad. It's not fair, but yet I don't blame God or anyone else.

I leaked a little breast milk the other day. It was a very surreal moment, but I didn't burst into tears, just felt sadness that I'll never get to enjoy the pleasure of feeding David that way.

The first few days after coming home, I took the prescribed pain medication on schedule even though my body probably didn't need it that often, I felt the need to be somewhat numb. I told the doctor to give me as much as she could because it wasn't fair that I was feeling the after affects of labor and delivery, but had no babe in my arms to make it worthwhile.

The contractions I felt before delivering David were very real. I didn't handle them with as much grace and poise as I did with my first two, I knew the outcome probably wouldn't be good when they were happening. I was whiny and complaining the whole time.

I'm thankful that I got to hear David's heartbeat less than an hour before I delivered him. If they hadn't been able to find it, I'm sure the pain of labor would have been even harder to bear.

I'm glad the doctor slipped on Monday and told us we were having a boy. The loss would have been doubly hard had we found out upon delivery that it was our first son.

I have nothing else tonight, but it felt good to verbalize some of my feelings.

Pictures of Baby David from the Hospital

These pictures could be disturbing to some, I think they are beautiful because he is my son. I will add a little fluff so you don't see them as soon as you click on this post. Keep scrolling
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Baby David

On Wednesday morning, May 9th, 2012 at 8:50am, our first son, David, was born at 15 weeks gestation. He went home to be with Jesus.

Our hearts are broken, but beginning to heal. We are burying him today. My thoughts are extremely scattered so I'm not going to try and write about my experience yet, but I wanted to share a few pictures that are important to us.

 This is the tree on Ross' grandparents farm that David is going to be buried under

 This will be the view from his resting place

 Alexis is holding the memory box the hospital gave us and Isabel a teddy bear they gave us for him

 This is the box that they sent David home with us in. Ross built a wooden box to place this one in for him to be buried in.

 Alexis really wanted Baby David to be beside her

Ross took this one last night.

Exciting days on Hwy TT

Well ok, I haven't done such a good job of posting daily.....I'm keeping pretty busy with other stuff these days!

We spent some quality time with my sweet neighbor and her family last week. They moved here last fall and Becky and I bonded quickly and have a lot of the same ideas about life and such. She and her husband Steve have 7 beautiful children! Alexis and Isabel love spending time with them and are getting lots of practice for our new baby. Juliana is 3 months and they dote on her! She is the sweetest little thing you'll ever see. I promise to get some pictures of them this week so you can put faces with names.

Anyway, back to last week, on Wednesday we got our first of three visits from the exterminator (old house=lots of place for creepy crawlies to come in). Because I'm pregnant I have to be out of the house for at least 4 hours. We killed some time in town, running some errands, played at the park, had lunch, and I still had at least another hour before I could be back in the house. I called up Becky to see if we could invade their space for about an hour or so. 1 hour turned into 3 and the girls didn't want to leave then, so we promised to come back the next afternoon as well.

Back down the road we went the next afternoon and stayed for 6 hours this time! We stayed for supper and I got a new recipe that's super yummy. I also got some cake recipes for her since the one I attempted to make for Alexis' birthday was kind of a flop. She always makes and decorates her kids cakes so I got lot of pointers from her.

On Friday, we switched locations and they came to our house instead. The kids have so much fun and you would never believe there were 8 kids, plus a baby crammed in our little house for as good as they all were.

Saturday was a pretty laid back day at home, had a late supper at the in-laws. Homemade biscuits with gravy for breakfast Sunday morning, again down at my mother and father-in-laws. Sunday, I worked on the house and laundry and then watched it rain buckets that afternoon and evening.

Monday is our Rolla day, Alexis has dance and I do the grocery shopping for the week. We also picked up the proofs from the girls picture session last week. So cute!!! I'll share a couple at the end of this post. We got to watch a little bit of my niece Hannah's soccer game last night on our way home from Rolla. My sister had all of my maternity clothes from her last pregnancy and she gave me all that back, plus a ton of stuff she had gotten as well. I should be pretty set on "baby belly" clothes as Alexis calls them! I am 12 weeks today and glad to say that I can still wear all my "normal" clothes.

So, now we have reached today and the excitement! Laugh if you want, but I was ecstatic when Ross told me he called to get new gravel for the driveway!!! We have been in desperate need for awhile now. It really is amazing the little things that can get you so excited. 10 years ago I wouldn't have considered anything about gravel remotely exciting. There you have it then, you are caught up on my boring little life. See ya again soon!

Photo Session Time

It hasn't been that long since I got the girls pictures done, but I wanted to take advantage of the beautiful weather and get some outdoor shots done. I'm very excited that Kelley is going to be taking the girls pictures this afternoon. I hope they cooperate this time. Last time we tried to do an outdoor shoot, it didn't turn out so well. I waited too late in the year to do it. It was July and it was a super humid day and the hair was crazy frizzy, and the girls were super cranky. *Fingers crossed for today*

We almost had a catastrophe this morning. Alexis came up to me and said, "Mommy, I've got gum in my hair." "Oh no, this could be bad" was my first thought...it wasn't as bad as it could have been, thankfully. It was hair from the underneath in the back and on the very end. Instead of messing with peanut butter or anything like that, I just snipped it out. No harm, no foul!

I actually let go of some of my mommy control issues this year and allowed the girls to pick whatever dress they wanted for Easter. I usually try and get them somewhat coordinating colors without matching them perfectly. I'm very proud to say, their dresses don't even come close to matching, but they are both adorable and look just fine together. They will be getting pictures done in them and then a more color coordinated, casual summer outfit also.

Here's a few pictures I snapped yesterday:

He Is Risen!

We had a very busy Easter weekend. Ross didn't remember until he was talking to his co-workers Thursday evening that he didn't have to work on Friday night, Good Friday is one of his paid holidays. So, I got busy Friday morning and cleaned the house and then we headed for St. Louis that afternoon. We went to his sister's place and met up with her, his parents, his cousin's Megan and Hannah and we all went to eat at Texas Roadhouse. It was yummy!

We spend the night over at my parents house and on Saturday we dyed eggs with the girls and got some shopping done. We went to the 5pm service at Mom and Dad's church, it was great! I wish I didn't live so far from their church, I would go every week otherwise. After church, we went back to Mom and Dad's and had an Easter Egg hunt for the girls. Matt and Sera Kate came over to eat with us and our Team friend Amy was there for church and dinner as well. Supper was great, pulled pork sandwiches and a bunch a delicious sides to go with it.

Today, we went to Ronnie and Tena Slovensky's for Easter lunch, another yummy meal! We hid eggs for the kids to find about 3 different times and had a birthday party for Ronnie and Tena's 2 year old granddaughter Emma. We came home and all napped. It's been a great weekend.

Title

I need a catchy new title since our family is growing. Any thoughts?

LIFE

This is the business that we have joined that does amazing things in people's lives. I'm looking forward to improving my life and some day soon becoming a stay at home mom thanks to the income I can make in this business. Please take a minute to watch this video.

Wow...

It's been so blog, I'm so sorry I've neglected you. I'm going to  dust you off and make you active again. I can't promise how regular I'll be, but I will sure try. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've posted anything. I have a lot of catching up to do.

See you soon!