Friendship

I've been really struggling with friendship lately, in several ways.

I've never had a really super close best friend that has actually stayed my friend through all my life changes. My mom and my husband are my best friends and I know they will never leave me, but I want more.

As a pre-teen and  teenager my two best friends were Mandy and Lettie. Mandy got married and started having babies, there is a long story as to why we didn't stay close that I am not going to share other than to say, we grew apart. Lettie and I stayed close until we were about 18 or 19 and then we drifted our separate ways as well. She got married, got busy with her new life as a wife, and then had a baby. I was still single.

When I was 16 and working at Country Mart in Bonne Terre I had a few close friends, but circumstances in each persons life caused us to drift our own ways as well. Lori got involved in drugs and that wasn't something I was interested in. Michelle and I were close for quite awhile and I even lived with her when I was 19, but after I moved to St. Louis it was harder to see each other and we drifted....are you getting the picture?

When I transferred to Country Mart in Farmington I met Amy Reed, we were tight. I love my Amy! We had so much fun together. We laughed, we cried, we were just best buds. We even dated best friends briefly. My date didn't turn into anything, her's turned into her husband. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. Every night after work, we would meet at the Civic Center and work out and then go tan together. Thursday night was dinner at her house and then watching Friends. Unfortunately, she wasn't real fond of Ross and I wasn't real thrilled with her husband either. So when I moved to St. Louis in December of 2001 we started drifting as well. We would talk occasionally, I'd go down and hang out every once in a while, but the distance made it a challenge. We eventually stopped putting any effort into keeping our friendship. I invited her to our wedding in 2005, but they weren't able to come.

Thank goodness for MySpace and Facebook. When I started up MySpace I searched for who I could think of and she was one of them. At first I just perused her page and didn't ask to be her friend because I wasn't really sure where we stood after all that time. Finally I friended her and we got a second chance at our friendship. About the time that we started connecting through MySpace was about the time that her and Aron were finalizing their divorce, that was also the time that I had just given birth to Alexis in 2007. The first time I saw her was that summer when Alexis was about 3 or 4 months old. Ever since then it's been so nice to have a friend again who knows my history and my present and who will always understand me when I'm having a bad day and need someone to vent to.

There is still distance between us (about an hour) but we try really hard to fit some Amy and Jess time into our busy lives. Amy took me to my first winery, where I fell in love with Blackberry Wine! She called me on a Monday after I had found out I was pregnant with Isabel the previous Friday. She had some news of her own as well! We got to be pregnant buddies! She was due on September 16th, me on the 17th. Her Callie was born on August 27th, 2009 and Isabel on September 10th.

I had a really great friend when I worked at Sam's Club too, my Monica! We've been through some challenges in our friendship, but we are still close today even though we don't talk much and rarely get to see one another.

I guess the point I'm trying to get around to is that you really have to work at a friendship to keep it alive through all of life's changes. I have another friend, Krista, who I have known since we were in diapers. Our mothers were best friends for many years, but circumstances led them in different paths, therefore we went with them obviously. As teenagers we reconnected when we worked together and since then we've kept in contact on an irregular basis. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I in her's. But, if it wasn't for Facebook we probably wouldn't have any contact at all. I did get to see her this summer, and that was nice.

It takes a real effort to keep a friendship alive when there are obstacles, and it takes both parties making an effort. I've had friends that were very one sided, they were only my friends if I called them or I went to see them or I initiated the contact. If I waited for them to call or visit, I would still be waiting.....those aren't the kind of friends I want to have, maybe that is selfish of me. But, I would really like a friend who will reach out to me as much as I will reach out to them.

I think a lot of my frustration is coming from the fact that I so badly want to have a circle of friends right near me. All of my friends that I consider close friends are at least an hour away from me. I can't just call them up and say, "Hey, what are you doing? Can I come over?" I do have family that I consider friends, but even families go through seasons where things change too.

I think that it is really difficult to break into an already established circle of friends even if you have things in common with them, or maybe I'm just not outgoing enough to make myself a part of those circles.....

I have found lots of people that I have things in common with in the bloggy world, but that's not the same as a real life, in the flesh, best friend. There is a bloggy meet up in my area soon, but I'm so bummed that I can't go, I have a prior commitment. I would love actually putting a voice with the faces I see every day on my computer screen.

Since I'm on a roll here, my other friendship issue is the fact that Ross and I have a very hard time finding couples to hang out with. I either don't like the wife and he likes the hubby or the other way around. It's so frustrating. We have no one our age to hang out with and do things with. It would be really nice to find a couple that has a few small children that we could go out to dinner with, or have over for a BBQ, but we can't seem to find them....Now I'm not saying that we have no one, because we do have a lot of family, but it's not always the same.

This is me.....stepping off my pity party stool. I haven't resolved any of my issues by writing about them, but I feel a little better getting it out of my system. One of these days I'm going to pull an all nighter on the computer and write all the blog posts that are floating around in my head. It's hard for me to find the time to really write these days. I'm so ready for winter and the slowness that comes with it!

Home Again

After 14½ hours in my Dad's suburban Saturday, we made it back to their house at 12:25am Sunday morning. We were too tired to unpack and then repack and drive home, so we spent the night at their house. The girls did remarkably well for being cooped up in a vehicle that long.

Ross has already started talking about booking a condo for a week for the 4 of us next year on the same beach! That's how much we loved it!

It feels good to be home, but I miss the beach. I'm glad to have my own bed back, but I miss the sound of the waves on the shore. I love my family, but I'm glad I don't have to share a house with them for anymore time than I did.

I'm dreading going to bed tonight, because when I get up in the morning, it will be my last day at home with the girls before I go back to work. Tuesday is going to be rough.

We had struggled to find babysitters and thought we had it all worked out with 2 different girls, but both ended up not working out. Thankfully, we found a girl that is available and looking forward to babysitting full time now, and after she goes back to school too. Unfortunately, in the morning will be the first time we've ever actually met her. We know her mother well, but haven't ever met her. Really praying she works out and the girls like her. I'm entrusting my whole world to her, so I'm kind of starting to freak out a little on the inside.

I feel calm on the exterior about everything, but inside, I'm screaming and crying. I'm going to miss my girls so much, every day. I'm really worried about them too. I'm worried about how hard it's going to be on them to adjust to me not being here every night with them. Will they feel like I've abandoned them when they realize I'm not here to tuck them in Tuesday night? Will they be confused as to why Mommy isn't the one making them supper and giving them a bath and reading bedtime stories?

Why? Why, when I want so badly to be at home with them, do I have to leave them? I know the answer to the question, but it's hard to handle at the same point. Obviously this is what God has in store for us for this portion of our lives. I know that He will make a way for my prayers to be answered in one form or another. I know that Ross and I have to pay for not being more financially aware in the early years of our marriage. I'm hoping that someday soon, we'll have enough debt paid off that it will be possible for me to stop working.

That's enough of my depressing drama in my head for now. Here are some pictures from our last night on the beach. It was a gorgeous sunset that night!

Mack Truck Coming Through

I was sitting in the living room last night watching the ACM Awards and I glanced at the calendar.

That's when it hit me...

Like a ton of bricks it hit me...

Like a Mack truck at full speed it hit me....

There is a very good chance that I might be going back to work two weeks from tomorrow.

WOW, I'm not ready for this. The time at home with my girls has been like a dream come true for me. Now my daily nightmare is getting ready to begin again.

When I had Alexis and had to leave her for the first time, it was awful. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when I pulled away from my house that day. The only thing that made that day bearable was knowing that Alexis was in the comfort of her own home with her Grandma (Mom). I cried the whole way to work and teared up all throughout the night when I thought about it.

I won't say that it got any easier, but I did get used to it after awhile. I accepted my reality and tried to make the best of it instead of being miserable all the time. I do enjoy working, but I'd much rather be at home. I do miss my friends from work, but I'd much rather talk to Alexis and Isabel all day.

When Isabel was born, I knew there was a very good chance that I'd have the opportunity to get some lay off time because my maternity leave would be ending around the time we get really slow at the DC and they start laying people off. The nice thing about our lay off is that it's voluntary at this point. And while laid off, you draw unemployment.

I did work for three weeks after my maternity leave, before my lay off began. That almost feels like it wasn't even real though. I didn't go through the same anxiety about leaving because I knew it would be for such a short time. I missed the girls every day and was so glad when my leave began!

Now, my perfect little fantasy world is getting ready to end. I'll find out on Tuesday or Wednesday if I can extend my leave through the month of May. If not, I go back to work at 4:30pm on May 4th.

I don't think things would be so hard if Ross and I worked normal schedules. It's a challenge to find babysitters at night and even more challenging to find babysitters that are willing to come to our home. It pretty much limits our options. But, Ross and I don't feel like it's fair to take the girls somewhere else only to disturb them at midnight when he gets off. And staying somewhere until the morning is just not an option either.

I don't think I'd be feeling so miserable about it if I thought there was a chance for Ross or I to get a day shift job. That would be the ideal situation, then we'd barely need any outside help to keep the girls and we'd actually get to raise them ourselves. But, it doesn't look like Ross has any chance of getting to days anytime soon. Typically, when someone needs to be hired at his job, they offer the evening shifters positions on day shift and then hire for evenings. When Ross was off for two weeks when we had Isabel, they hired someone for his same job, but he never got the offer for day shift, the new guy got it. And the new guy is young, single, and has no children. He even said he wouldn't mind working evenings. But for whatever reason it's not happening for Ross.

There is a possibility that I could get to day shift, but that will be a challenge as well. The DC posts jobs and you have to bid on it. It's based on seniority, which I'm getting up there with. But, the posting are far and few between for day shift and there haven't been any for the last 5 months.

That's what's been on my mind today, not a very uplifting topic, but that's life I suppose. Pray that I get good news this week and I get an extension on my leave. I know eventually I have to go back, but a little bit more time at home would be so wonderful!

Out Of Control

This post goes back to some of the feeling I was having the week that I wrote this post. 

After I wrote that post, I was talking to Mom on the phone and was finally able to put it into words just what I was really feeling. Besides being discouraged.


I felt Out Of Control.

I've always considered myself to be a pretty together person, who could handle whatever came my way.


Apparently having children has changed that for me because I've never felt more Out Of Control in my whole life.

I look around my messy, dirty, cluttered house and I feel...out of control.


I see my daughter deliberately disobey me and I feel...out of control.

I look at the number on the bathroom scale and I feel...out of control.


I look at my husband and all the ways I'm not being a better wife and I feel...out of control.

I could go on and on about all the things I feel are out of control, but I think you get the drift.


I've been spending a lot of time in prayer the past few weeks. Something I'm ashamed to admit, I haven't done a lot of lately. And I'm sure that's why I feel the way I do.


So, here's to praying without ceasing and letting God have control of my life, because honestly, it was never in my control anyway. I just felt like I had a better handle on things than I do now.


Thank you to all my family and friends that I know are praying for me too, please don't stop!

Discouraged

I've been struggling a lot lately and today I'm very discouraged. I fiercely love my precious little almost 3 year old, but she has been so hard to handle lately.

I try really hard to be a good mom and I've known for a long time that I wanted to raise my children to be obedient, respectful and all around good kids. Alexis is challenging every single thing and some days it feels like more than I can handle.

It breaks my heart a little more each time I have to get on to her and spank her when she deliberately disobeys me. I'm feeling very worn down. I'm hoping that one day, it will just click, and then she'll be my well behaved little girl. Today is not that day...

I feel so helpless some days when she just pushes and pushes and pushes. She doesn't listen to a thing I say, like I'm not even talking to her. Once her mind is set, I can say NO ten times in a row, or until I'm blue in the face and she does it anyway. How am I supposed to respond to that? I spank her and she just does it again, time-out and she'll do it again, taking away privileges (ie. TV, DVD's, computer time) and she does it again.

I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but there are days I feel like a complete failure at it. (I'm a temporary stay at home mom until April when I go back from lay off.)

I'm feeling really alone....worn out....run down....lonely.....discouraged.....failure....bad mom.......the list could go on.

I'm trying so hard to do the right things, but I'm not seeing a lot of results and that makes days like today even harder. It's not one specific thing she does, it's a combination of little things that happen all day long. Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much of her and other days I'm confident that I'm doing things the right way. I mean she's not even 3 yet, I can't expect her behavior to be perfect all the time, but would 1 day be too much to ask for?

I get very frustrated with myself when Alexis is having one of those days when she is asserting her will so strongly. It's very easy for me to lose my temper with her when she gets whiny and doesn't listen to a thing I say. I hate it when I get mad and yell at her or spank her when I'm angry instead of being calm about it. I never expected it to be like this. I didn't enter motherhood thinking it would be easy, but I had no idea it would be this much of a challenge. Her will is so strong...and I feel like mine is breaking.

It may sound like I'm having a pity party for myself. That's not what it is, I'm just really bothered by the fact that her behavior is so strong and sinful already at such a young age. I don't want to break her spirit, but she has to understand that she must submit to our authority. My mom told me about something a friend of hers said about child rearing. "Your children must learn to submit to your authority so that they can learn to submit to God's authority." He is the ultimate discipline giver and if our children never learn to accept our discipline and authority, how will they accept His?


I don't have any answers other than to ask that you please pray for me? I want to wake up each day looking forward to all the good things about being a mom. Not dreading how Alexis will act today.

Bad Day, Part 2

My bad day has not gotten any better yet. I'm thinking it's just going to be one of those days that won't be better until it's over and I can start fresh tomorrow.

I went to work and the humidity is so high today, I just couldn't take it and I came home. I always feel so guilty when I leave work early and I tell myself I should be stronger, or that I'm just being lazy because I can't take it. And then I have to remind myself that I am 7 months pregnant and I may not be able to do everything like I think I should. And not to mention the fact that I feel bad because we really need the money right now. So, I had another good cry on the way home, and I still feel horrible.

I did want to clarify some things from my earlier blog. I realized that I probably painted Ross in a somewhat bad light. That was not my intention, just trying to get out some of my frustrations. For some of you that know me well and for those of you that don't, I just wanted to make it clear that I wasn't trying to bash Ross. It's just been one of those days for me and I'm sure you can understand that. Ross is a good husband and my best friend, but we do have our differences, and I'm pretty sure that is what makes us human. Ross is very considerate of me and tries to be understanding, but sometimes my hormones and emotions are very frustrating for him because he can't understand them. I think that may be the case today. He thought his comments were just comments and not intended to make me feel bad. And I do have a tendency to blow things out of proportion when my emotions get the best of me. So, with that being said, I would still classify it as a bad day, but not trying to blame anyone specifically. I am well aware of my many faults, especially on days like today when I can't seem to keep it together. Sometimes I feel like a gigantic failure.

So, I'm going to relax for a few hours and pray that tomorrow is a better day. Can't handle too many like this one. Poor Ross can't either. I think we are both under a lot of stress and pressure right now, and we tend to take it out on one another from time to time.

There was one bright spot in my day though. This morning when my first crying session began, Alexis looked at me and said, "Crying." For those of you that know Alexis and how she talks you can imagine what she sounded like. She gets her little deep south accent going and cocks her little head to the side and says, "crying" and then she says, "tissue." And I tell her I do need a tissue, so she runs to the bathroom to bring me one. After I blow my nose and wipe my face, she looks and me and says, "one more." I say, "Sure, I'll take one more." When she comes back with it, she looks from me to Ross and says, "talking, crying", with her little head shake to the side like she does, and I couldn't help but smile. Thank you God for my precious child who always makes it better!

Bad Day

I'm having a horrible day........It all started last night. Tuesday's are sometimes a long day for me. I usually try to schedule my doctor's appointments then because that is the easiest day for me to get up and going. Dr. Cunningham doesn't see patients on Monday's or I would do it then since I don't work. But, Tuesday seems to work out okay for the most part. It's just a very long day because we almost always work 10 hours on Tuesday. In the later stages of my pregnancy with Alexis I only worked 8 hour shifts, but this time I'm trying to go as long as possible without doing that. So, I've decided that I will take one day off every 2 weeks to get some extra rest and now I've started scheduling to leave a few hours early on some nights. Last night was one of those nights. I had asked to leave at Midnight and my boss wrote down 12:30, close enough. "Special" time as husband and wife is becoming more of a challenge as I'm sure all of you moms know. So, I had told Ross that I was getting off at 12:30 and maybe we could have that "special" time. He said that sounded great. He's a real trooper because I know my attractiveness level goes way down in the later stages of pregnancy. I feel like a whale most days. Anyway at start up my boss asked if I was still leaving at 12, he didn't say 12:30 so I said yes and left at 12:00. Ross was still in the shower when I got home so I sat down at the computer and checked email and Facebook while I waited. When he walked out of the bathroom and saw me his first words were, "What are you doing here?" Not, "Hi honey, how are you?" or "Hey Babe you got off a few minutes early tonight, good to see you." So I told him what had happened and that I left a half hour earlier than he thought I would. So he says, "What was wrong with just working 8 hours?" I said, "Nothing, but 7 1/2 works just fine too." His response again, "8 would have worked." That lit a fire in me and I very sarcastically asked if he would like me to go back to work and get that other half hour in and he said, "Sure." So, as he is walking into the kitchen and shaking his head I go to take my shower hoping that I can wash away my anger at him for something as silly as a half hour and we can still salvage that very cherished husband wife time. Like I said before, "special" time is getting harder at this point. I don't feel attractive or sexy in the least and really have no desire to do anything right now, even though I still want to. Ross doesn't seem to have any great desires right now either. But, I had really put an effort into last night and I was looking forward to it. So, when I get out of the shower, Ross is watching one of our TiVo'd shows that I had thought we were going to watch together but apparently he couldn't wait. So, I gave him a kiss and told him I was going into the bedroom. I asked how long he was going to be up and he said he was going to finish the show. So, I closed the bedroom door, because he had the volume up loud and I didn't want to hear anything because I was going to watch it later. About 15 minutes later Alexis started whimpering and then crying so I went to get her and she said she wanted to lay on the couch. When we walked into the living room Ross paused the show and waited for me to get her settled. I was sitting beside her rubbing her back and he started the show up again. I asked him to please stop since he was in the last ten minutes and I hadn't seen any of it yet. So, he told me to go ahead and go back to bed because he was going to finish it and he would take care of Alexis. Alexis wasn't happy about me walking away, so I took her and laid her down with me for a bit. Ross came to bed and she still wasn't asleep, so we all laid there, I was going to try to stay awake long enough for her to fall asleep and I would put her back in her bed, but I didn't make it. So she slept with us all night, I was still upset with Ross about the way he acted, and we didn't get any of that husband wife time I was looking forward to. And this morning I just cried about it a lot. So, I know this is a lot of detailed and personal information that I hope you don't mind me sharing, but I needed to vent somehow. And I also know that this is one very long paragraph, but I'm hoping that the more I blog the better my writing skills will get. I used to be pretty good at writing but I'm a little rusty. Thanks for letting me share.