I've been struggling a lot lately and today I'm very discouraged. I fiercely love my precious little almost 3 year old, but she has been so hard to handle lately.
I try really hard to be a good mom and I've known for a long time that I wanted to raise my children to be obedient, respectful and all around good kids. Alexis is challenging every single thing and some days it feels like more than I can handle.
It breaks my heart a little more each time I have to get on to her and spank her when she deliberately disobeys me. I'm feeling very worn down. I'm hoping that one day, it will just click, and then she'll be my well behaved little girl. Today is not that day...
I feel so helpless some days when she just pushes and pushes and pushes. She doesn't listen to a thing I say, like I'm not even talking to her. Once her mind is set, I can say NO ten times in a row, or until I'm blue in the face and she does it anyway. How am I supposed to respond to that? I spank her and she just does it again, time-out and she'll do it again, taking away privileges (ie. TV, DVD's, computer time) and she does it again.
I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but there are days I feel like a complete failure at it. (I'm a temporary stay at home mom until April when I go back from lay off.)
I'm feeling really alone....worn out....run down....lonely.....discouraged.....failure....bad mom.......the list could go on.
I'm trying so hard to do the right things, but I'm not seeing a lot of results and that makes days like today even harder. It's not one specific thing she does, it's a combination of little things that happen all day long. Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much of her and other days I'm confident that I'm doing things the right way. I mean she's not even 3 yet, I can't expect her behavior to be perfect all the time, but would 1 day be too much to ask for?
I get very frustrated with myself when Alexis is having one of those days when she is asserting her will so strongly. It's very easy for me to lose my temper with her when she gets whiny and doesn't listen to a thing I say. I hate it when I get mad and yell at her or spank her when I'm angry instead of being calm about it. I never expected it to be like this. I didn't enter motherhood thinking it would be easy, but I had no idea it would be this much of a challenge. Her will is so strong...and I feel like mine is breaking.
It may sound like I'm having a pity party for myself. That's not what it is, I'm just really bothered by the fact that her behavior is so strong and sinful already at such a young age. I don't want to break her spirit, but she has to understand that she must submit to our authority. My mom told me about something a friend of hers said about child rearing. "Your children must learn to submit to your authority so that they can learn to submit to God's authority." He is the ultimate discipline giver and if our children never learn to accept our discipline and authority, how will they accept His?
I don't have any answers other than to ask that you please pray for me? I want to wake up each day looking forward to all the good things about being a mom. Not dreading how Alexis will act today.