Thursday, January 14, 2010

Discouraged

I've been struggling a lot lately and today I'm very discouraged. I fiercely love my precious little almost 3 year old, but she has been so hard to handle lately.

I try really hard to be a good mom and I've known for a long time that I wanted to raise my children to be obedient, respectful and all around good kids. Alexis is challenging every single thing and some days it feels like more than I can handle.

It breaks my heart a little more each time I have to get on to her and spank her when she deliberately disobeys me. I'm feeling very worn down. I'm hoping that one day, it will just click, and then she'll be my well behaved little girl. Today is not that day...

I feel so helpless some days when she just pushes and pushes and pushes. She doesn't listen to a thing I say, like I'm not even talking to her. Once her mind is set, I can say NO ten times in a row, or until I'm blue in the face and she does it anyway. How am I supposed to respond to that? I spank her and she just does it again, time-out and she'll do it again, taking away privileges (ie. TV, DVD's, computer time) and she does it again.

I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but there are days I feel like a complete failure at it. (I'm a temporary stay at home mom until April when I go back from lay off.)

I'm feeling really alone....worn out....run down....lonely.....discouraged.....failure....bad mom.......the list could go on.

I'm trying so hard to do the right things, but I'm not seeing a lot of results and that makes days like today even harder. It's not one specific thing she does, it's a combination of little things that happen all day long. Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much of her and other days I'm confident that I'm doing things the right way. I mean she's not even 3 yet, I can't expect her behavior to be perfect all the time, but would 1 day be too much to ask for?

I get very frustrated with myself when Alexis is having one of those days when she is asserting her will so strongly. It's very easy for me to lose my temper with her when she gets whiny and doesn't listen to a thing I say. I hate it when I get mad and yell at her or spank her when I'm angry instead of being calm about it. I never expected it to be like this. I didn't enter motherhood thinking it would be easy, but I had no idea it would be this much of a challenge. Her will is so strong...and I feel like mine is breaking.

It may sound like I'm having a pity party for myself. That's not what it is, I'm just really bothered by the fact that her behavior is so strong and sinful already at such a young age. I don't want to break her spirit, but she has to understand that she must submit to our authority. My mom told me about something a friend of hers said about child rearing. "Your children must learn to submit to your authority so that they can learn to submit to God's authority." He is the ultimate discipline giver and if our children never learn to accept our discipline and authority, how will they accept His?


I don't have any answers other than to ask that you please pray for me? I want to wake up each day looking forward to all the good things about being a mom. Not dreading how Alexis will act today.

6 comments:

kimberly anderson said...

I feel the same way! Even though I am not a SAHM on my days off, I am at the end of my rope. I am hoping that it gets easier. I have a hard time that she can't communicate her needs or why she is angry. Very frustrating. I hope that it does get easier for you.

Chrissy said...

This is EXACTLY how I felt with Caleb when he was 2, and I think it's because I had a new baby in the house. Everything you explained is my story with him. The reason I think the ages are different is because we had our kids at different intervals, but I really think there is something about that new baby in the house...and you staying home for the first time. I don't know, I just know it was a very hard time for me. I cried a lot. I questioned staying home.

But please know this...if you stick to your guns, it WILL get better. Caleb is still ornery sometimes, but it's nothing like it was, and I think that's because I pushed through it...and because many were praying for me.

So I'll pray for you, too. Remain consistent, Jessica. With the Lord's guidance, you are going to make it through this.

Brandi said...

I'm so glad that I ran across your blog! I have been feeling the EXACT same way about my newly-turned-four-year-old son. I am a SAHM, and have been since my daughter was born six years ago. I have lately been feeling like things might be more enjoyable if I worked, and then came home at the end of the day to finish up with the kids. Rhett sounds very much like your little girl. I think some children are just strong-willed. I seriously could have written this post. Hugs to you!

CRAZYMOM said...

Hang in there! My first one (and my 4th) was a tenacious little bugger! Three is THE hardest! It WILL get better and now that my 1st is 10 everyone says they can't believe what a lovely, polite, considerate young man he is. Today it may not feel like your efforts are working, but they WILL pay off. Blessings to you.

-Jami

Nel said...

Libby very much so went through a stage like this... I really think it was her adjusting to staying home and a new baby in the house, her whole world changed! She is now being very sassy most days... so we are struggling again. Hang in there Jessica, You are not the only mom feeling this way - Promise!

My So Called Life said...

I was just writing a post about this last night. I have not completed or I wasn't sure I wanted to publish it. It is all about my son behavior, struggles with breasfeeding and balance family. My son will be 4 soon and I have a 4 month old at home as well. I can tell you that I have lived this stress and discouragment alot of days. I almost cried reading your post because I so know how you felt at that exact time. There are days that I feel completely defeated and that I can do nothing right with my children. As much as I would like to be super mom I am not. HANG IN THERE! It does get better but then there are days tht it doesn't.

I will try to email you some ideas for potty training as we had a long hard road as well.