I know that this weekend is all about remembering the soldiers who have sacrificed so much for our freedoms, and while I'm extremely thankful for that, I can't stop thinking about David.
I really thought I was doing well and was at peace with it, but now my feelings are changing again. I still believe that God knows what's best for us, but I want my baby back. Plain and simple, I want him back.
I feel like I have a big whole in my heart and it won't stop hurting. I am really surprised at how this whole grief cycle is going for me. I guess I'm going to face several challenges over the next few months until the due date gets here. Maybe by then, I'll really start to put it behind me and move on into the next phase of our lives.
I'm trying so hard not to, but I'm at the point where I'm asking, why? Why me, why us? We wanted this baby so badly and have so much love to give him. Ross helped me by telling me how he is looking at it. God is giving us this pain now, to possibly save us from something much worse later on down the road. He says it gives him a little peace. He's right and in my heart I know it, I've accepted it, but I don't like it one bit.
We went out last night with one of Ross' cousins and celebrated his birthday. I had a few adult beverages and while I was enjoying the time out and laughing with a lot of great family and friends. All I could think about was the fact that I'd give anything to still be pregnant again.
The other day I went into Kohl's and bought a few new shirts, some cute, non frumpy shirts. I still have a few pounds to lose (5 or so) that I gained during the pregnancy, but for the most part I no longer look pregnant, just my normal poochy belly. As good as it felt to get something cute and feminine, I would have been even happier buying maternity clothes.
I appreciate all of you who are praying for us and leaving thoughtful comments on here. I feel a little bad that all I post about is my miscarriage and the stage of grief I happen to be in, but it seems to help me a lot to write my feeling and get them off my chest. Ross and I still talk about it a lot when I'm feeling sad, and we'll continue to do so, but I also get a lot out of my head by writing here. I guess what I'm getting at is this, I'm going to stop sharing the link on Facebook every time I post something, I am not writing this for anyone but me. Several people have thanked me for sharing so openly, it's helped them in one way or another. I'm thankful my experience is doing that for someone, but I also don't want people to feel awkward by it either. I have a feeling I'm going to be sharing a lot.
I feel better already getting this off my chest this morning. I'm going to lay my grief aside for now and have some fun with my family. We are heading to the river, it should be a great day!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunny Days
I know my blog has been all gloomy and sad with me working through my grief over losing David, so I decided to post something more cheerful today. I really do have more happy moments than sad ones, it's impossible not to with these two!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Nothing
I had my follow up visit with my OB Doctor today. I heard exactly what I expected to hear, they had no answers. I was prepared for that, but it would have been nice to know a reason why. I guess in a way, it will make my faith stronger, I have no choice but to trust in God and believe that He had a good reason for allowing this to happen.
Ross and I both agreed that we have many hard days ahead, neither one of us are looking forward to October when David was supposed to be born. We do know that we want to try again, it's just determining when we will be ready. Physically, the doctor said at least 3 months, but she told us to make sure we were both mentally ready and that we had finished the grieving process before we got pregnant again. I told Ross that I had no desire to get pregnant before his due date has come and gone, but that I thought I might be ready once we get past all that.
I know that how I feel right now, probably won't be how I'll feel in 2 months, 3 months, 6 months from now. But, I do know that I hate the empty feeling that I have. I'm not saying I want to rush right into another pregnancy, because I know it will be a very anxious pregnancy until we reach 30 however many weeks it is when the baby would be fine. The doctor did tell us that miscarrying that far into the pregnancy is very unusual and that is very scary when considering another pregnancy.
We are also dealing with the fact that we both said we just wanted a healthy baby, it didn't matter the sex, but who wouldn't want to a boy, when you already have two girls? So, we need to pray for peace that whenever we decide to try again, we'll be happy with a boy or girl and not angry if we have another girl instead of a boy. This is a painful process no matter what, but it's been a different level of pain because he was our first son. So, we've had to deal with the loss of a baby, as well as a son.
I know that this is pretty scattered and a lot of thoughts are flowing, and not very flowing very fluidly, but at this point, I don't even care about that. I just need to get them out.
Please continue to pray for us.
Ross and I both agreed that we have many hard days ahead, neither one of us are looking forward to October when David was supposed to be born. We do know that we want to try again, it's just determining when we will be ready. Physically, the doctor said at least 3 months, but she told us to make sure we were both mentally ready and that we had finished the grieving process before we got pregnant again. I told Ross that I had no desire to get pregnant before his due date has come and gone, but that I thought I might be ready once we get past all that.
I know that how I feel right now, probably won't be how I'll feel in 2 months, 3 months, 6 months from now. But, I do know that I hate the empty feeling that I have. I'm not saying I want to rush right into another pregnancy, because I know it will be a very anxious pregnancy until we reach 30 however many weeks it is when the baby would be fine. The doctor did tell us that miscarrying that far into the pregnancy is very unusual and that is very scary when considering another pregnancy.
We are also dealing with the fact that we both said we just wanted a healthy baby, it didn't matter the sex, but who wouldn't want to a boy, when you already have two girls? So, we need to pray for peace that whenever we decide to try again, we'll be happy with a boy or girl and not angry if we have another girl instead of a boy. This is a painful process no matter what, but it's been a different level of pain because he was our first son. So, we've had to deal with the loss of a baby, as well as a son.
I know that this is pretty scattered and a lot of thoughts are flowing, and not very flowing very fluidly, but at this point, I don't even care about that. I just need to get them out.
Please continue to pray for us.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
As Days Go By...
...it gets a little better. At the same time, some things are getting harder.
The girls and I were in Walmart yesterday for over two hours (I had a lot of pictures to print, it took awhile) and I noticed that when I saw a pregnant woman, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not angry, but very sad for what I no longer have. I do not feel that way about pregnant women I personally know. I couldn't be more excited for my brother and sister-in-law who are expecting their first baby (boy) in July! But, I don't have to be excited about complete strangers.
Our recent experience has shown me a few things about life in general. I've discovered that I no longer care about how many people I can find on Facebook that I "might" know or have been acquainted with at some point. Also, it was really easy to unfriend a few pregnant women I was friends with that I don't know very well. Why subject myself to that kind of sadness if they aren't really my "friends"?
I am still overwhelmed by the many people who have reached out to us in one way or another during this time. Several families provided us with meals. We received several floral arrangements from friends and family. Many, many sympathy cards with some very comforting personal notes inside them. Texts and FB messages from family and friends. Comments on this blog and things that I've posted on Facebook.
It's shown me that there are some people that want to be involved in my life and there are others who are only concerned with themselves. It's also taught me to be more sensitive and thoughtful to the people I care about when things aren't going right in their lives. I apologize if I haven't been as considerate in the past as I should have been. Going forward I'm going to try and improve on that.
Losing David has changed a lot of things, I'm trying to find the positives and not focus on the negatives. Some days it's harder than others. Some days I just want to be sad, others, life feels like it's getting back to normal.
I thank God every day for giving me two beautiful daughters to help get me through this. And Ross and I have become closer than we've ever been. We are communicating in ways I've wanted us to for a long time. We are open and honest with our feelings about our loss.
That's where I'm at today.
The girls and I were in Walmart yesterday for over two hours (I had a lot of pictures to print, it took awhile) and I noticed that when I saw a pregnant woman, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not angry, but very sad for what I no longer have. I do not feel that way about pregnant women I personally know. I couldn't be more excited for my brother and sister-in-law who are expecting their first baby (boy) in July! But, I don't have to be excited about complete strangers.
Our recent experience has shown me a few things about life in general. I've discovered that I no longer care about how many people I can find on Facebook that I "might" know or have been acquainted with at some point. Also, it was really easy to unfriend a few pregnant women I was friends with that I don't know very well. Why subject myself to that kind of sadness if they aren't really my "friends"?
I am still overwhelmed by the many people who have reached out to us in one way or another during this time. Several families provided us with meals. We received several floral arrangements from friends and family. Many, many sympathy cards with some very comforting personal notes inside them. Texts and FB messages from family and friends. Comments on this blog and things that I've posted on Facebook.
It's shown me that there are some people that want to be involved in my life and there are others who are only concerned with themselves. It's also taught me to be more sensitive and thoughtful to the people I care about when things aren't going right in their lives. I apologize if I haven't been as considerate in the past as I should have been. Going forward I'm going to try and improve on that.
Losing David has changed a lot of things, I'm trying to find the positives and not focus on the negatives. Some days it's harder than others. Some days I just want to be sad, others, life feels like it's getting back to normal.
I thank God every day for giving me two beautiful daughters to help get me through this. And Ross and I have become closer than we've ever been. We are communicating in ways I've wanted us to for a long time. We are open and honest with our feelings about our loss.
That's where I'm at today.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
A Funny For Today
This made me smile! I know any mother who has breastfed will totally relate :)
I laugh a little more each day even though it still hurts to think about losing David. Baby steps right?
I laugh a little more each day even though it still hurts to think about losing David. Baby steps right?
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
More Photos & Thoughts About David
We visited David today, 1 week after his birth and death. I still don't know how to classify what happened. Is it considered a miscarriage or a still born? I don't know yet. That's something I'm going to talk to my OB about next week. He was alive and had a heartbeat about an hour before I delivered him. Obviously, he wasn't developed enough to sustain life outside of the womb, so I'm not really sure when he would have died.
In the previous pictures I shared, you saw the box that the hospital sent him home in. It was a beautiful box, but Ross and I both felt that David should have something a little sturdier to be buried in. Ross built this pine box for him. I think the building process and the process of actually preparing the grave site was very beneficial in Ross' grieving.
It may seem a little morbid to some, but I really felt the need to have something lifelong to look back on and remember him by. So we decided to take a few pictures before we buried him. I was really glad that neither Ross or I felt like smiling though, that would have felt weird. The girls did, simply because they are so used to being told to smile when someone is taking a picture.
It's been very therapeutic for me to blog about my feelings and share these pictures. I know that many of you have posted comments here and on Facebook and while I may not have responded personally to you, I had read and received each and every message with a lot of gratitude. It's comforting to know that so many people have felt the hurt with us and are praying for us as we heal. Things won't be the same ever again, but I know that God has a purpose and a plan for our lives and I'm trusting in Him to get us through this season in our lives. My good, lifelong friend Shelley posted a scripture the other day that really ministered to me.
It may seem a little morbid to some, but I really felt the need to have something lifelong to look back on and remember him by. So we decided to take a few pictures before we buried him. I was really glad that neither Ross or I felt like smiling though, that would have felt weird. The girls did, simply because they are so used to being told to smile when someone is taking a picture.
To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
A time to die;
A time to plant,
A time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
A time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Ramblings
I still don't have my thoughts coherent enough to put David's birth story down.
I'm sad...the pain of losing my son is less sharp, but I'm still extremely sad.
My girls bring me great joy every day, I know they are going to make things easier in the healing process.
I'm extremely irritable, especially when it comes to my patience level with the girls.
The kind words and messages I've received via Facebook, this blog, snail mail, texts and phone calls have blessed me. It helps to know that so many people understand what I'm feeling and are reaching out to me.
At the same point I've wondered at the noticeable quietness of some people who are very active on FB, but have offered no words of condolence to me or my family. I consider all of my FB friends a part of my life and try and communicate happiness, sadness, concern, etc in their lives when they post about it. I'm sure it's just my hormones and tender emotions wrecking havoc with me. Or is it that wacky timeline thing? Have I missed a major event in someone's life and not offered any words and made someone feel this way about me? I hope not....
Ross has been my rock since losing David. I've been concerned that he might not be grieving the way he should because he is worried about me. He has reassured me that he is grieving in his own way. He always seems to know just when I need a hug or comforting touch from him. We have drawn closer together and I'm thankful for that.
I'm not angry about what happened, I trust that God had a reason and that's good enough to get me through. I completely trust in His plan for our lives and I know that He does not make mistakes.
It totally sucks that I'll never get to hold my son the way I longed too when dreaming of his birth at full term. And I don't feel angry, just really sad. It's not fair, but yet I don't blame God or anyone else.
I leaked a little breast milk the other day. It was a very surreal moment, but I didn't burst into tears, just felt sadness that I'll never get to enjoy the pleasure of feeding David that way.
The first few days after coming home, I took the prescribed pain medication on schedule even though my body probably didn't need it that often, I felt the need to be somewhat numb. I told the doctor to give me as much as she could because it wasn't fair that I was feeling the after affects of labor and delivery, but had no babe in my arms to make it worthwhile.
The contractions I felt before delivering David were very real. I didn't handle them with as much grace and poise as I did with my first two, I knew the outcome probably wouldn't be good when they were happening. I was whiny and complaining the whole time.
I'm thankful that I got to hear David's heartbeat less than an hour before I delivered him. If they hadn't been able to find it, I'm sure the pain of labor would have been even harder to bear.
I'm glad the doctor slipped on Monday and told us we were having a boy. The loss would have been doubly hard had we found out upon delivery that it was our first son.
I have nothing else tonight, but it felt good to verbalize some of my feelings.
I'm sad...the pain of losing my son is less sharp, but I'm still extremely sad.
My girls bring me great joy every day, I know they are going to make things easier in the healing process.
I'm extremely irritable, especially when it comes to my patience level with the girls.
The kind words and messages I've received via Facebook, this blog, snail mail, texts and phone calls have blessed me. It helps to know that so many people understand what I'm feeling and are reaching out to me.
At the same point I've wondered at the noticeable quietness of some people who are very active on FB, but have offered no words of condolence to me or my family. I consider all of my FB friends a part of my life and try and communicate happiness, sadness, concern, etc in their lives when they post about it. I'm sure it's just my hormones and tender emotions wrecking havoc with me. Or is it that wacky timeline thing? Have I missed a major event in someone's life and not offered any words and made someone feel this way about me? I hope not....
Ross has been my rock since losing David. I've been concerned that he might not be grieving the way he should because he is worried about me. He has reassured me that he is grieving in his own way. He always seems to know just when I need a hug or comforting touch from him. We have drawn closer together and I'm thankful for that.
I'm not angry about what happened, I trust that God had a reason and that's good enough to get me through. I completely trust in His plan for our lives and I know that He does not make mistakes.
It totally sucks that I'll never get to hold my son the way I longed too when dreaming of his birth at full term. And I don't feel angry, just really sad. It's not fair, but yet I don't blame God or anyone else.
I leaked a little breast milk the other day. It was a very surreal moment, but I didn't burst into tears, just felt sadness that I'll never get to enjoy the pleasure of feeding David that way.
The first few days after coming home, I took the prescribed pain medication on schedule even though my body probably didn't need it that often, I felt the need to be somewhat numb. I told the doctor to give me as much as she could because it wasn't fair that I was feeling the after affects of labor and delivery, but had no babe in my arms to make it worthwhile.
The contractions I felt before delivering David were very real. I didn't handle them with as much grace and poise as I did with my first two, I knew the outcome probably wouldn't be good when they were happening. I was whiny and complaining the whole time.
I'm thankful that I got to hear David's heartbeat less than an hour before I delivered him. If they hadn't been able to find it, I'm sure the pain of labor would have been even harder to bear.
I'm glad the doctor slipped on Monday and told us we were having a boy. The loss would have been doubly hard had we found out upon delivery that it was our first son.
I have nothing else tonight, but it felt good to verbalize some of my feelings.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Pictures of Baby David from the Hospital
These pictures could be disturbing to some, I think they are beautiful because he is my son. I will add a little fluff so you don't see them as soon as you click on this post. Keep scrolling
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Baby David
On Wednesday morning, May 9th, 2012 at 8:50am, our first son, David, was born at 15 weeks gestation. He went home to be with Jesus.
Our hearts are broken, but beginning to heal. We are burying him today. My thoughts are extremely scattered so I'm not going to try and write about my experience yet, but I wanted to share a few pictures that are important to us.
Our hearts are broken, but beginning to heal. We are burying him today. My thoughts are extremely scattered so I'm not going to try and write about my experience yet, but I wanted to share a few pictures that are important to us.
This is the tree on Ross' grandparents farm that David is going to be buried under
This will be the view from his resting place
Alexis is holding the memory box the hospital gave us and Isabel a teddy bear they gave us for him
This is the box that they sent David home with us in. Ross built a wooden box to place this one in for him to be buried in.
Alexis really wanted Baby David to be beside her
Ross took this one last night.
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