Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Ramblings

I still don't have my thoughts coherent enough to put David's birth story down.

I'm sad...the pain of losing my son is less sharp, but I'm still extremely sad.

My girls bring me great joy every day, I know they are going to make things easier in the healing process.

I'm extremely irritable, especially when it comes to my patience level with the girls.

The kind words and messages I've received via Facebook, this blog, snail mail, texts and phone calls have blessed me. It helps to know that so many people understand what I'm feeling and are reaching out to me.

At the same point I've wondered at the noticeable quietness of some people who are very active on FB, but have offered no words of condolence to me or my family. I consider all of my FB friends a part of my life and try and communicate happiness, sadness, concern, etc in their lives when they post about it. I'm sure it's just my hormones and tender emotions wrecking havoc with me. Or is it that wacky timeline thing? Have I missed a major event in someone's life and not offered any words and made someone feel this way about me? I hope not....

Ross has been my rock since losing David. I've been concerned that he might not be grieving the way he should because he is worried about me. He has reassured me that he is grieving in his own way. He always seems to know just when I need a hug or comforting touch from him. We have drawn closer together and I'm thankful for that.

I'm not angry about what happened, I trust that God had a reason and that's good enough to get me through. I completely trust in His plan for our lives and I know that He does not make mistakes.

It totally sucks that I'll never get to hold my son the way I longed too when dreaming of his birth at full term. And I don't feel angry, just really sad. It's not fair, but yet I don't blame God or anyone else.

I leaked a little breast milk the other day. It was a very surreal moment, but I didn't burst into tears, just felt sadness that I'll never get to enjoy the pleasure of feeding David that way.

The first few days after coming home, I took the prescribed pain medication on schedule even though my body probably didn't need it that often, I felt the need to be somewhat numb. I told the doctor to give me as much as she could because it wasn't fair that I was feeling the after affects of labor and delivery, but had no babe in my arms to make it worthwhile.

The contractions I felt before delivering David were very real. I didn't handle them with as much grace and poise as I did with my first two, I knew the outcome probably wouldn't be good when they were happening. I was whiny and complaining the whole time.

I'm thankful that I got to hear David's heartbeat less than an hour before I delivered him. If they hadn't been able to find it, I'm sure the pain of labor would have been even harder to bear.

I'm glad the doctor slipped on Monday and told us we were having a boy. The loss would have been doubly hard had we found out upon delivery that it was our first son.

I have nothing else tonight, but it felt good to verbalize some of my feelings.

6 comments:

Marilyn Lakaner said...

Jessica, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I cannot imagine the pain and the questions. But, you are right about God having a plan. Hold onto that. And, keep talking about your pain openly. We are listening. Sometimes it is hard for us to know what to say. But, know we are praying for you and Ross.

Ashley said...

I'm glad that you're not only verbalizing your feelings, but writing them down as well. Don't be concerned about them being fluid or coherent right now...just get them out. They will be healing years down the road when you need to go back to this time. I love you.

kimber wegleitner said...

Hey Jessica u r very strong and beautiful so keep ur head up and be strong for tose girls and urself love u girly

Nel said...

I wish I knew more to do for you or to say... I still think about you all day... I wish I could tell you that it will be all better some day and these feelings will go away. But an anniversary of one of our miscarriages will be on Monday and the feelings and thoughts are still very raw and real and there. It will have been 4 years. and I have had 2 healthy babies since then.
Please let me know if I can do anything or say anything or just be there for you.... Hugs and Prayers ~Nel

Bethany Haid said...

To comment about the FB quiet... no, that has been my experience. I noticed how many people quit talking or just only talked about themselves, so I defriended or stopped following those people.

I didn't realize you knew your son was alive before the birth. That is, of course, different than my stories actually, different than almost all stories that I know about. That is kind of special and wonderful. It feels different knowing your baby is already dead and just waiting for the labor to start. Its no better or worse - its just different. Thanks for telling me about this, I never considered this when I consider about having another baby.

I am happy you knew the gender before this happened!!! How exciting that Monday must have been.

I am so glad to hear your thoughts and your journey. Getting the feelings named and out there seems to help vs. just sleeping them off or numbing them with tv or food. You are healing, girl!

Bethany Haid said...

ALso... God's original plan was no sickness, no death, no miscarriage, no depression. God's perfect plan isn't what we are living with right now. That really makes me feel peaceful, especially thinking about when people say "there's a reason for everything" - you think, well, God did intend my life to be painfree. He is disappointed that it didn't work out that way, either. I am thankful for the Cross.