Sunday, May 27, 2012

Remembering

I know that this weekend is all about remembering the soldiers who have sacrificed so much for our freedoms, and while I'm extremely thankful for that, I can't stop thinking about David.

I really thought I was doing well and was at peace with it, but now my feelings are changing again. I still believe that God knows what's best for us, but I want my baby back. Plain and simple, I want him back.

I feel like I have a big whole in my heart and it won't stop hurting. I am really surprised at how this whole grief cycle is going for me. I guess I'm going to face several challenges over the next few months until the due date gets here. Maybe by then, I'll really start to put it behind me and move on into the next phase of our lives.

I'm trying so hard not to, but I'm at the point where I'm asking, why? Why me, why us? We wanted this baby so badly and have so much love to give him. Ross helped me by telling me how he is looking at it. God is giving us this pain now, to possibly save us from something much worse later on down the road. He says it gives him a little peace. He's right and in my heart I know it, I've accepted it, but I don't like it one bit.

We went out last night with one of Ross' cousins and celebrated his birthday. I had a few adult beverages and while I was enjoying the time out and laughing with a lot of great family and friends. All I could think about was the fact that I'd give anything to still be pregnant again.

The other day I went into Kohl's and bought a few new shirts, some cute, non frumpy shirts. I still have a few pounds to lose (5 or so) that I gained during the pregnancy, but for the most part I no longer look pregnant, just my normal poochy belly. As good as it felt to get something cute and feminine, I would have been even happier buying maternity clothes.

I appreciate all of you who are praying for us and leaving thoughtful comments on here. I feel a little bad that all I post about is my miscarriage and the stage of grief I happen to be in, but it seems to help me a lot to write my feeling and get them off my chest. Ross and I still talk about it a lot when I'm feeling sad, and we'll continue to do so, but I also get a lot out of my head by writing here. I guess what I'm getting at is this, I'm going to stop sharing the link on Facebook every time I post something, I am not writing this for anyone but me. Several people have thanked me for sharing so openly, it's helped them in one way or another. I'm thankful my experience is doing that for someone, but I also don't want people to feel awkward by it either. I have a feeling I'm going to be sharing a lot.

I feel better already getting this off my chest this morning. I'm going to lay my grief aside for now and have some fun with my family. We are heading to the river, it should be a great day!

3 comments:

Bethany Haid said...

Maybe it would help you to think of grief as a spiral, not a cycle. It can go around and around, sometimes getting further away from the very sad places, but often returning there, even for awhile. If you accept that you will feel upset about a loss that is a very big deal in your life, maybe anticipate that you will keep feeling upset and angry, it won't hit you by surprise.

Today I told Dan it felt like I have a bandaid covering a deep wound, and when I ignore the wound, its hard to know it is there. But when I really stop to think about it and peer under the bandage, its there and as raw as ever. It helps me to compartmentalize things and to go days without saying my child's name or thinking of it. It helps me to have some days that are not sad totally. I don't know if this is such a great thing long term, but for right now, its helping me to get through my days better than during my first loss when I could ONLY think of this topic and was so depressed.

I hope you do have a good weekend.

Bethany Haid said...

Maybe it would help you to think of grief as a spiral, not a cycle. It can go around and around, sometimes getting further away from the very sad places, but often returning there, even for awhile. If you accept that you will feel upset about a loss that is a very big deal in your life, maybe anticipate that you will keep feeling upset and angry, it won't hit you by surprise.

Today I told Dan it felt like I have a bandaid covering a deep wound, and when I ignore the wound, its hard to know it is there. But when I really stop to think about it and peer under the bandage, its there and as raw as ever. It helps me to compartmentalize things and to go days without saying my child's name or thinking of it. It helps me to have some days that are not sad totally. I don't know if this is such a great thing long term, but for right now, its helping me to get through my days better than during my first loss when I could ONLY think of this topic and was so depressed.

I hope you do have a good weekend.

Joyce Kay said...

If writing it on your blog helps you....do just that. Jess, I can't say that I know how you feel because I don't....I can only imagine. I know God, family and friends can help you through. You have 2 beautiful girls who I know will help you smile....kids just have that way about them. Please know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.