David's birth story begins on Thursday May 3rd, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Alexis had double class week at dance, so the girls and I had been to Rolla that evening. I did some Walmart shopping while we were out, nothing out of the ordinary. That evening after we got home, I had a terrible lower backache. Usually, with a little rest it would've been fine, but nothing was relieving my discomfort. I tried a heating pad, was taking Tylenol and nothing was working. I went to bed with my aching back and hoped to have some relief in the morning.
No change when I woke up Friday morning. The day proceeded as normal, nothing different than any other day, just a horrible backache. Friday evening I noticed a pinkish, light brownness in my discharge. I wasn't too concerned at first, I knew this was common sometimes.
Saturday morning came and I still had a backache and discoloration in my discharge. Sunday came and it was still the same. I was starting to get concerned. I texted my sister, Jaimee, and asked her opinion. She asked the usual question, any intercourse, that can cause a pink discharge, the answer was no. By Sunday evening, my discharge was heavier and redder, more like the spotting of a period. I made the decision that night before bed that I was going to the doctor first thing Monday morning. I didn't have an appointment, but I knew I needed some answers.
As I laid in bed that night, I might have slept for an hour or two. My mind was racing and going over the possibilities of what could be happening. "Miscarriage" was flashing in my mind like a bright neon sign. I was 14 weeks and 6 days pregnant so I had hopes that wasn't the case. I prayed a lot and asked God to give me peace and prepare me for whatever could be happening.
I finally couldn't sleep anymore, I got up, showered and got myself ready. We were in Rolla before 8am. I called the OB's office to see if someone besides Dr. Cunningham (it was her day off) could see me. Thankfully, Dr. Ratchford fit me in at 9:15.
The first thing he did after I explained what was happening was an ultrasound. I had never heard a more beautiful sound than when I heard my babies heart beating. I was so relieved, but still concerned about the bleeding. Next, he did a cervical exam, everything appeared normal, my cervix was thick and closed. He then consulted with Dr. Jim McCaul and they decided to ultrasound my cervix vaginally as well to check for any problems.
My cervix measured normal, my placenta was still attached. He pressed on my uterus and couldn't find any opening in the cervix. While he rambling all this stuff he also said, "It's still a boy." I was completely flabbergasted! We didn't want to know the sex. At first I thought I heard him wrong so I said, "What do you mean it's still a boy?" He then realized that we didn't want to know. Once I was over the shock, I had him show me what he saw, I was so floored, we had been hoping for a boy even though we would have been happy with any baby so long as it was healthy. I started crying and then blabbering on about if I would tell Ross or keep it to myself. He and the girls had stayed in the waiting room for this part since it was a vaginal ultrasound, didn't know how the girls would respond to that.
So, the doctors orders were, pelvic rest, no heavy lifting and no intercourse for two weeks once the bleeding stopped. I went out of there a bundle of emotions. Confused, because I was so excited we were having a boy, but a little disappointed about finding out before the birth. Concerned that I was still bleeding, but happy to have heard his heartbeat. I barely made it out to the waiting room before I blurted it out to Ross that we were having a boy. He was the same way I was, a little upset that we didn't get that surprise at delivery, but still excited. In hindsight, I'm glad we knew beforehand. It would have been even more painful to be told he was a boy after losing him.
We headed home and I made the calls to work, I was supposed to return from my 5 weeks off on Tuesday. With everything that was going on, I didn't feel comfortable bouncing around on my fork lift yet. My bosses were understanding, they told me to take as much time as I needed. I pretty much just laid on the couch the rest of Monday.
Tuesday came and I did the same, rested, still spotting. By the time I went to bed Tuesday night, my bleeding had increased in brightness and heaviness. It was starting to feel like a period. My backache had also not let up at all. I was sitting on a heating pad a lot.
I woke up around 5am Wednesday morning to pee. The pantyliner I was wearing was full and I had leaked through my panties and pajama pants onto the sheet. I went downstairs and cleaned myself up. Every time I stood up I could feel the pantyliner filling and I was passing clots. After changing it two more times I dug out one of the jumbo pads from the hospital that I had leftover from Isabel. I got a bag of ice for my back and was going to try and go back to sleep. It wasn't working. I woke Ross up and told him that the bleeding was heavier and I wanted to go to the ER. I wanted him to call his dad and have him come up to stay with the girls. He argued that he didn't want to bother his dad, people that didn't have family close would have no choice but to take their kids with them. I pleaded with him again, he didn't realize how serious it was until I got out of bed and he saw the sheet. He immediately called his dad and we got dressed and headed for PCRMC in Rolla. I texted my sister again so she could pass it along to Dr. C that we were going in. I was hoping if Dr. C had rounds that morning she could come and check on me.
We arrived at the hospital around 6:20am. It took them a little while to get me into a room. They drew blood and got a urine sample. The nurse came in and talked for awhile and then found his heartbeat with the thing (can't remember what it's called) they listen with. A relief, but I knew something was terribly wrong. The ER doctor came in and we talked some more. She was going to consult with Dr. C and see what her next step should be. While we were waiting on her, I became very uncomfortable and was trying to ignore the fact that I was having contractions. They were pretty intense and coming quickly. Ross pushed the call button and told the tech we needed to see the doctor right away.
The ER doctor came in and did a cervical exam, I was still extremely uncomfortable. She used the tool first and then her hand. When she removed her hand I felt a rush of fluids come out of me. I looked up and asked want just happened? The look on her face was panic. She immediately put her hand back in and said, "I'm so sorry, but I think the baby is at the opening of your cervix right now."
At that point I knew there was nothing that could fix this, I was having a miscarriage. I immediately started sobbing and Ross tried to be strong, but soon was crying as hard as I was. We held one another and cried while the ER doc held him inside me. Dr. C arrived and took over, we could tell the ER doctor was unsure of what to do. Dr. Cunningham delivered David at 8:50am Wednesday May 9th, the whole time I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I kept hearing them say, "We need another chuck pad." I could feel that I was bleeding heavily. Dr. C kept rubbing my knee and telling me how sorry she was. It was such a relief in the midst of all the commotion and grief to have her there. She gave me some medicine to try and get the placenta to deliver, but it wasn't. My bleeding hadn't slowed yet, so they took me to surgery for a D&C.
While all this was happening, I did hold my baby boy and look at him. He was perfect in every way possible and very tiny. Stephanie and another nurse from OB had come down as well, it was obvious the ER staff was in over their head a little. It was good to have all those knowledgable hands taking care of me.
We had made a few calls before all this happened to let family know that we were at the hospital. Ross tried to call my parents and tell them, but had to give the phone to Dr. C and she told them for us. They immediately got in their van to come down. Ross' mom also left the city and came down to Steelville as well.
That, in a not so small nutshell are how the events of my last few days of pregnancy played out. After I got out of surgery and into a room my parents came in and we all grieved together. They brought our son to us and let us spend some time holding him. Many tears were shed by us all. It took us awhile to decide if we were even going to name him. David came to me and Ross liked it too.
The girls came up with Ross' parents a little later in the day. That was tough to try and explain to them what happened. We spent the rest of the day and evening trying to make the necessary decisions about how to proceed with a funeral and burial and so forth. We did not let the girls see him. For those of you who have seen the pictures, I'm sure you understand. It's not how it was supposed to be and we didn't want them to remember him that way.
I had lost a lot of blood, my number was 13 when I checked in and 8 after surgery. 7 is when they would have transfused. I had to stay overnight because of that. My number was back up to 9 1/2 by the next morning and we got to go home.
Both of our parents and my sister indulged my every whim for food and drinks and I had comfort food that night at the hospital.
I received a ton of texts that day from family offering condolences and prayers, it was a small comfort in the midst of the sorrow. I also had an outpouring of love once I shared it on Facebook as well. You will never know how touched I was by all the kind words and prayers offered.
I took full advantage of the pain meds the doctor offered and spent about a week numbing myself before I decided to deal with any physical discomfort I might still have. It wasn't fair that I had experienced the pain of labor and delivery and had no new baby to show for it.
This is all I can say for now, it's been a little emotional to relive this while writing it. I do feel that we are healing. We have even decided when we will try for another baby, still quite a ways off though.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
News
Hi friends. I know I haven't been blogging a lot again, not because I haven't had blog posts in my head, just no time to get them out.
Life has been so busy. Summer always is, but this summer seems even busier. Here's a little recap of the past few weeks:
June 9th: Our monthly LIFE Seminar in St. Louis
June 10th: Not sure, but I think we were at the river.
June 15th: Took off work and spent the afternoon/evening with my Dad for Father's Day
June 16th: Alysia and Ben's wedding. This is also when I fell and sprained both my ankles, one of them severely.
June 17th: Father's Day, had lunch at Ross' grandparents and then spent the afternoon at Dry Creek swimming.
June 18th-22nd: Girls had swimming lessons at the pool every morning from 10-12
June 23rd: 40th Anniversary Party for Ronnie and Tena Slovensky
June 24th: Swimming at Tiger Shark Water Park with my sister and her kids
While life is certainly busy, I'm loving every minute of the summer fun we are having! And as a bonus, I'm rocking one of the best tans I've ever had!
Yesterday was Ross' birthday. We are going out with our friends, Amy and Chris, to celebrate tomorrow. Amy's birthday was the 26th, Ross' the 28th and Chris' is July 1st.
Today, my brother, Matt and his wife Sera Kate welcomed their first baby, a healthy boy, still unnamed at this point. I am thrilled for them, but it's also a reminder that I'm no longer pregnant and expecting my own baby boy. I can't wait to see him and hold him, he looks so sweet! I just hope I can keep it together and not cry until later. I wouldn't want to make anyone feel bad.
I do try and find positive things about what happened to our baby, although positive doesn't sound quite right, I'm not sure how to put it though. It has been extremely hot this past week and will continue to be for at least another week. My work is not air conditioned, so in a way, I'm glad I'm not trying to work in this unbearable heat while being 6 months pregnant. Ross and I are starting the hCG diet tomorrow and are going to lose a bunch of weight, I wouldn't be doing that if I was still pregnant. I will get to be on the beach and not be 8 months pregnant. Instead, I'll hopefully be at least 40 pounds lighter than I am now. I'm just trying to find a plus side to what happened so I don't focus on all the negative and sadness of it.
I have David's birth story in my head and will be putting it down here as soon as I have an hour or so free to get it all out. I don't want to forget any details, and since both the girls have their birth stories well documented on my blog, I felt David deserves the same.
I haven't cried in quite awhile, but I try and not focus on the things that will make me cry, I still feel sadness, but not as overwhelming as it was in the beginning. The girls still mention him, and I'm thankful they are not just putting it aside and forgetting that they have a brother in heaven.
That's it for now, I'll try and get some new pictures of the kids and our life up soon.
Life has been so busy. Summer always is, but this summer seems even busier. Here's a little recap of the past few weeks:
June 9th: Our monthly LIFE Seminar in St. Louis
June 10th: Not sure, but I think we were at the river.
June 15th: Took off work and spent the afternoon/evening with my Dad for Father's Day
June 16th: Alysia and Ben's wedding. This is also when I fell and sprained both my ankles, one of them severely.
June 17th: Father's Day, had lunch at Ross' grandparents and then spent the afternoon at Dry Creek swimming.
June 18th-22nd: Girls had swimming lessons at the pool every morning from 10-12
June 23rd: 40th Anniversary Party for Ronnie and Tena Slovensky
June 24th: Swimming at Tiger Shark Water Park with my sister and her kids
While life is certainly busy, I'm loving every minute of the summer fun we are having! And as a bonus, I'm rocking one of the best tans I've ever had!
Yesterday was Ross' birthday. We are going out with our friends, Amy and Chris, to celebrate tomorrow. Amy's birthday was the 26th, Ross' the 28th and Chris' is July 1st.
Today, my brother, Matt and his wife Sera Kate welcomed their first baby, a healthy boy, still unnamed at this point. I am thrilled for them, but it's also a reminder that I'm no longer pregnant and expecting my own baby boy. I can't wait to see him and hold him, he looks so sweet! I just hope I can keep it together and not cry until later. I wouldn't want to make anyone feel bad.
I do try and find positive things about what happened to our baby, although positive doesn't sound quite right, I'm not sure how to put it though. It has been extremely hot this past week and will continue to be for at least another week. My work is not air conditioned, so in a way, I'm glad I'm not trying to work in this unbearable heat while being 6 months pregnant. Ross and I are starting the hCG diet tomorrow and are going to lose a bunch of weight, I wouldn't be doing that if I was still pregnant. I will get to be on the beach and not be 8 months pregnant. Instead, I'll hopefully be at least 40 pounds lighter than I am now. I'm just trying to find a plus side to what happened so I don't focus on all the negative and sadness of it.
I have David's birth story in my head and will be putting it down here as soon as I have an hour or so free to get it all out. I don't want to forget any details, and since both the girls have their birth stories well documented on my blog, I felt David deserves the same.
I haven't cried in quite awhile, but I try and not focus on the things that will make me cry, I still feel sadness, but not as overwhelming as it was in the beginning. The girls still mention him, and I'm thankful they are not just putting it aside and forgetting that they have a brother in heaven.
That's it for now, I'll try and get some new pictures of the kids and our life up soon.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Van Shopping
We have decided to start our search for a minivan. The used car lot in town has lots of nice vehicles come through, but not many minivans. We saw one on Friday morning and pulled in to check it out. Ross' Uncle Jerry sells cars there and was telling us what he knew about it. I test drove it today and we are keeping it overnight so Ross can drive it tomorrow.
It's a 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan, with 98,000 miles. It's in excellent condition, inside and out. It drives nice and has a good price too.
We had originally thought we would shop for a Honda Odyssey, and I still really like them, but not sure if we want that much debt right now.
Here's a picture of it:
It's a 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan, with 98,000 miles. It's in excellent condition, inside and out. It drives nice and has a good price too.
We had originally thought we would shop for a Honda Odyssey, and I still really like them, but not sure if we want that much debt right now.
Here's a picture of it:
Monday, June 4, 2012
Happy Anniversary To Us
It was 7 years ago today that Ross and I said our vows and started our married life together. It's been 11½ years since we started dating. I love him more now than I ever have before and I have a feeling that will only continue to grow over time. I'm pretty sure that's the way marriage is supposed to be!
We got a babysitter last night and went out on a date! We started at Lowe's, Ross had a return to make and I browsed paint colors for the living room. (It desperately needs an update, the color scheme we chose a few years ago was a bad choice for long term.) Next stop was dinner at Colton's. We ordered some fried pickles for an appetizer and both got the 6 oz. sirloin with smashed potatoes and a dinner salad. It was yummy all the way around.
We had a little time to kill before our movie was starting so we stopped by Kohl's and I got a few more new shirts and Ross got some shorts. I also got an idea of something to get him for Father's Day/Birthday. We went to the theater and saw The Avengers. Awesome movie! We now need to play catch up and watch Captain America and Thor, we've already seen both the Iron Man movies and Ross has seen the latest Hulk movie as well. We stopped at Sonic for ice cream on the way home to complete our date. It was really nice to get to spend all that time with Ross all to myself and not sharing him with two other girls ;) He even opened my car door for me all evening. He always did that until we had the girls and we each have a girl to get in and get buckled, I felt quite spoiled by his gentlemanly ways!
It's just such a comforting feeling to know that you have someone that loves you as much you do him. And to know that I don't have to ever be alone, he'll always be there for me. I couldn't imagine my life without him. And yes, we have our squabbles and know how to push each others buttons, I don't know any couple that doesn't from time to time. But, we have a special connection that no one outside of a marriage really gets, it's very precious.
Here are a few of our wedding pictures:
We got a babysitter last night and went out on a date! We started at Lowe's, Ross had a return to make and I browsed paint colors for the living room. (It desperately needs an update, the color scheme we chose a few years ago was a bad choice for long term.) Next stop was dinner at Colton's. We ordered some fried pickles for an appetizer and both got the 6 oz. sirloin with smashed potatoes and a dinner salad. It was yummy all the way around.
We had a little time to kill before our movie was starting so we stopped by Kohl's and I got a few more new shirts and Ross got some shorts. I also got an idea of something to get him for Father's Day/Birthday. We went to the theater and saw The Avengers. Awesome movie! We now need to play catch up and watch Captain America and Thor, we've already seen both the Iron Man movies and Ross has seen the latest Hulk movie as well. We stopped at Sonic for ice cream on the way home to complete our date. It was really nice to get to spend all that time with Ross all to myself and not sharing him with two other girls ;) He even opened my car door for me all evening. He always did that until we had the girls and we each have a girl to get in and get buckled, I felt quite spoiled by his gentlemanly ways!
It's just such a comforting feeling to know that you have someone that loves you as much you do him. And to know that I don't have to ever be alone, he'll always be there for me. I couldn't imagine my life without him. And yes, we have our squabbles and know how to push each others buttons, I don't know any couple that doesn't from time to time. But, we have a special connection that no one outside of a marriage really gets, it's very precious.
Here are a few of our wedding pictures:
Friday, June 1, 2012
Back to Work
After being on lay off for 8 weeks, I returned to work on Wednesday. I was dreading it, but at the same time, ready to get it over with. The first night went pretty well. A few people offered condolences and a lot of people welcomed me back. A few people asked if I had a good time on my "vacation" and I had to tell them about what happened, they didn't even know that I was pregnant. After telling a few people, I decided to just let it go. I had announced that I was expecting the last week I worked before I took layoff, so in a way, I'm not surprised that some didn't even know I was pregnant. I wasn't showing that much yet and I hadn't started wearing maternity clothes.
The second night was a little tougher. I was in the restroom and someone asked me, "so when's that baby due?" I kept it together long enough to tell what happened, but when I got back on my forklift out on the floor, the tears came. I don't think the ache inside is ever going to totally go away. And then, my previous manager stopped me and told me how sorry he was and that made me cry even more. It was a rough night. I was missing Ross, I've been spoiled by seeing him every night when he gets home from work and now, he's in bed by the time I get home.
It's been a rough couple days with the girls too. I'm sure they are adjusting to our new routine in their own way, but their behavior has been horrible and I feel like all I'm doing is disciplining them, or rather losing my temper because I'm still a tad bit irritable. Plus, the girls are still battling allergy issues.
I started with some kind of sinus/head cold thing on Sunday night and I am still miserable. I called in sick on Tuesday night because I was so sick I never got off the couch. I'm ready to get tonight over with so I can rest this weekend and hopefully get better.
To top it all off, our babysitter quit on us. I Facebook messaged her and texted her husband on Monday evening around 8:30 to find out what time they would be there on Tuesday. (The babysitters husband and I carpool together, so they just come to the house and we leave from here.) She called me at 9pm and let me know that she was no longer going to babysit. A week ago everything was fine. Ross and I were both upset and it set us on a course of talking about our different options. That will have to be another blog post though, it's time to start getting ready for work now.
The second night was a little tougher. I was in the restroom and someone asked me, "so when's that baby due?" I kept it together long enough to tell what happened, but when I got back on my forklift out on the floor, the tears came. I don't think the ache inside is ever going to totally go away. And then, my previous manager stopped me and told me how sorry he was and that made me cry even more. It was a rough night. I was missing Ross, I've been spoiled by seeing him every night when he gets home from work and now, he's in bed by the time I get home.
It's been a rough couple days with the girls too. I'm sure they are adjusting to our new routine in their own way, but their behavior has been horrible and I feel like all I'm doing is disciplining them, or rather losing my temper because I'm still a tad bit irritable. Plus, the girls are still battling allergy issues.
I started with some kind of sinus/head cold thing on Sunday night and I am still miserable. I called in sick on Tuesday night because I was so sick I never got off the couch. I'm ready to get tonight over with so I can rest this weekend and hopefully get better.
To top it all off, our babysitter quit on us. I Facebook messaged her and texted her husband on Monday evening around 8:30 to find out what time they would be there on Tuesday. (The babysitters husband and I carpool together, so they just come to the house and we leave from here.) She called me at 9pm and let me know that she was no longer going to babysit. A week ago everything was fine. Ross and I were both upset and it set us on a course of talking about our different options. That will have to be another blog post though, it's time to start getting ready for work now.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Remembering
I know that this weekend is all about remembering the soldiers who have sacrificed so much for our freedoms, and while I'm extremely thankful for that, I can't stop thinking about David.
I really thought I was doing well and was at peace with it, but now my feelings are changing again. I still believe that God knows what's best for us, but I want my baby back. Plain and simple, I want him back.
I feel like I have a big whole in my heart and it won't stop hurting. I am really surprised at how this whole grief cycle is going for me. I guess I'm going to face several challenges over the next few months until the due date gets here. Maybe by then, I'll really start to put it behind me and move on into the next phase of our lives.
I'm trying so hard not to, but I'm at the point where I'm asking, why? Why me, why us? We wanted this baby so badly and have so much love to give him. Ross helped me by telling me how he is looking at it. God is giving us this pain now, to possibly save us from something much worse later on down the road. He says it gives him a little peace. He's right and in my heart I know it, I've accepted it, but I don't like it one bit.
We went out last night with one of Ross' cousins and celebrated his birthday. I had a few adult beverages and while I was enjoying the time out and laughing with a lot of great family and friends. All I could think about was the fact that I'd give anything to still be pregnant again.
The other day I went into Kohl's and bought a few new shirts, some cute, non frumpy shirts. I still have a few pounds to lose (5 or so) that I gained during the pregnancy, but for the most part I no longer look pregnant, just my normal poochy belly. As good as it felt to get something cute and feminine, I would have been even happier buying maternity clothes.
I appreciate all of you who are praying for us and leaving thoughtful comments on here. I feel a little bad that all I post about is my miscarriage and the stage of grief I happen to be in, but it seems to help me a lot to write my feeling and get them off my chest. Ross and I still talk about it a lot when I'm feeling sad, and we'll continue to do so, but I also get a lot out of my head by writing here. I guess what I'm getting at is this, I'm going to stop sharing the link on Facebook every time I post something, I am not writing this for anyone but me. Several people have thanked me for sharing so openly, it's helped them in one way or another. I'm thankful my experience is doing that for someone, but I also don't want people to feel awkward by it either. I have a feeling I'm going to be sharing a lot.
I feel better already getting this off my chest this morning. I'm going to lay my grief aside for now and have some fun with my family. We are heading to the river, it should be a great day!
I really thought I was doing well and was at peace with it, but now my feelings are changing again. I still believe that God knows what's best for us, but I want my baby back. Plain and simple, I want him back.
I feel like I have a big whole in my heart and it won't stop hurting. I am really surprised at how this whole grief cycle is going for me. I guess I'm going to face several challenges over the next few months until the due date gets here. Maybe by then, I'll really start to put it behind me and move on into the next phase of our lives.
I'm trying so hard not to, but I'm at the point where I'm asking, why? Why me, why us? We wanted this baby so badly and have so much love to give him. Ross helped me by telling me how he is looking at it. God is giving us this pain now, to possibly save us from something much worse later on down the road. He says it gives him a little peace. He's right and in my heart I know it, I've accepted it, but I don't like it one bit.
We went out last night with one of Ross' cousins and celebrated his birthday. I had a few adult beverages and while I was enjoying the time out and laughing with a lot of great family and friends. All I could think about was the fact that I'd give anything to still be pregnant again.
The other day I went into Kohl's and bought a few new shirts, some cute, non frumpy shirts. I still have a few pounds to lose (5 or so) that I gained during the pregnancy, but for the most part I no longer look pregnant, just my normal poochy belly. As good as it felt to get something cute and feminine, I would have been even happier buying maternity clothes.
I appreciate all of you who are praying for us and leaving thoughtful comments on here. I feel a little bad that all I post about is my miscarriage and the stage of grief I happen to be in, but it seems to help me a lot to write my feeling and get them off my chest. Ross and I still talk about it a lot when I'm feeling sad, and we'll continue to do so, but I also get a lot out of my head by writing here. I guess what I'm getting at is this, I'm going to stop sharing the link on Facebook every time I post something, I am not writing this for anyone but me. Several people have thanked me for sharing so openly, it's helped them in one way or another. I'm thankful my experience is doing that for someone, but I also don't want people to feel awkward by it either. I have a feeling I'm going to be sharing a lot.
I feel better already getting this off my chest this morning. I'm going to lay my grief aside for now and have some fun with my family. We are heading to the river, it should be a great day!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunny Days
I know my blog has been all gloomy and sad with me working through my grief over losing David, so I decided to post something more cheerful today. I really do have more happy moments than sad ones, it's impossible not to with these two!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Nothing
I had my follow up visit with my OB Doctor today. I heard exactly what I expected to hear, they had no answers. I was prepared for that, but it would have been nice to know a reason why. I guess in a way, it will make my faith stronger, I have no choice but to trust in God and believe that He had a good reason for allowing this to happen.
Ross and I both agreed that we have many hard days ahead, neither one of us are looking forward to October when David was supposed to be born. We do know that we want to try again, it's just determining when we will be ready. Physically, the doctor said at least 3 months, but she told us to make sure we were both mentally ready and that we had finished the grieving process before we got pregnant again. I told Ross that I had no desire to get pregnant before his due date has come and gone, but that I thought I might be ready once we get past all that.
I know that how I feel right now, probably won't be how I'll feel in 2 months, 3 months, 6 months from now. But, I do know that I hate the empty feeling that I have. I'm not saying I want to rush right into another pregnancy, because I know it will be a very anxious pregnancy until we reach 30 however many weeks it is when the baby would be fine. The doctor did tell us that miscarrying that far into the pregnancy is very unusual and that is very scary when considering another pregnancy.
We are also dealing with the fact that we both said we just wanted a healthy baby, it didn't matter the sex, but who wouldn't want to a boy, when you already have two girls? So, we need to pray for peace that whenever we decide to try again, we'll be happy with a boy or girl and not angry if we have another girl instead of a boy. This is a painful process no matter what, but it's been a different level of pain because he was our first son. So, we've had to deal with the loss of a baby, as well as a son.
I know that this is pretty scattered and a lot of thoughts are flowing, and not very flowing very fluidly, but at this point, I don't even care about that. I just need to get them out.
Please continue to pray for us.
Ross and I both agreed that we have many hard days ahead, neither one of us are looking forward to October when David was supposed to be born. We do know that we want to try again, it's just determining when we will be ready. Physically, the doctor said at least 3 months, but she told us to make sure we were both mentally ready and that we had finished the grieving process before we got pregnant again. I told Ross that I had no desire to get pregnant before his due date has come and gone, but that I thought I might be ready once we get past all that.
I know that how I feel right now, probably won't be how I'll feel in 2 months, 3 months, 6 months from now. But, I do know that I hate the empty feeling that I have. I'm not saying I want to rush right into another pregnancy, because I know it will be a very anxious pregnancy until we reach 30 however many weeks it is when the baby would be fine. The doctor did tell us that miscarrying that far into the pregnancy is very unusual and that is very scary when considering another pregnancy.
We are also dealing with the fact that we both said we just wanted a healthy baby, it didn't matter the sex, but who wouldn't want to a boy, when you already have two girls? So, we need to pray for peace that whenever we decide to try again, we'll be happy with a boy or girl and not angry if we have another girl instead of a boy. This is a painful process no matter what, but it's been a different level of pain because he was our first son. So, we've had to deal with the loss of a baby, as well as a son.
I know that this is pretty scattered and a lot of thoughts are flowing, and not very flowing very fluidly, but at this point, I don't even care about that. I just need to get them out.
Please continue to pray for us.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
As Days Go By...
...it gets a little better. At the same time, some things are getting harder.
The girls and I were in Walmart yesterday for over two hours (I had a lot of pictures to print, it took awhile) and I noticed that when I saw a pregnant woman, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not angry, but very sad for what I no longer have. I do not feel that way about pregnant women I personally know. I couldn't be more excited for my brother and sister-in-law who are expecting their first baby (boy) in July! But, I don't have to be excited about complete strangers.
Our recent experience has shown me a few things about life in general. I've discovered that I no longer care about how many people I can find on Facebook that I "might" know or have been acquainted with at some point. Also, it was really easy to unfriend a few pregnant women I was friends with that I don't know very well. Why subject myself to that kind of sadness if they aren't really my "friends"?
I am still overwhelmed by the many people who have reached out to us in one way or another during this time. Several families provided us with meals. We received several floral arrangements from friends and family. Many, many sympathy cards with some very comforting personal notes inside them. Texts and FB messages from family and friends. Comments on this blog and things that I've posted on Facebook.
It's shown me that there are some people that want to be involved in my life and there are others who are only concerned with themselves. It's also taught me to be more sensitive and thoughtful to the people I care about when things aren't going right in their lives. I apologize if I haven't been as considerate in the past as I should have been. Going forward I'm going to try and improve on that.
Losing David has changed a lot of things, I'm trying to find the positives and not focus on the negatives. Some days it's harder than others. Some days I just want to be sad, others, life feels like it's getting back to normal.
I thank God every day for giving me two beautiful daughters to help get me through this. And Ross and I have become closer than we've ever been. We are communicating in ways I've wanted us to for a long time. We are open and honest with our feelings about our loss.
That's where I'm at today.
The girls and I were in Walmart yesterday for over two hours (I had a lot of pictures to print, it took awhile) and I noticed that when I saw a pregnant woman, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not angry, but very sad for what I no longer have. I do not feel that way about pregnant women I personally know. I couldn't be more excited for my brother and sister-in-law who are expecting their first baby (boy) in July! But, I don't have to be excited about complete strangers.
Our recent experience has shown me a few things about life in general. I've discovered that I no longer care about how many people I can find on Facebook that I "might" know or have been acquainted with at some point. Also, it was really easy to unfriend a few pregnant women I was friends with that I don't know very well. Why subject myself to that kind of sadness if they aren't really my "friends"?
I am still overwhelmed by the many people who have reached out to us in one way or another during this time. Several families provided us with meals. We received several floral arrangements from friends and family. Many, many sympathy cards with some very comforting personal notes inside them. Texts and FB messages from family and friends. Comments on this blog and things that I've posted on Facebook.
It's shown me that there are some people that want to be involved in my life and there are others who are only concerned with themselves. It's also taught me to be more sensitive and thoughtful to the people I care about when things aren't going right in their lives. I apologize if I haven't been as considerate in the past as I should have been. Going forward I'm going to try and improve on that.
Losing David has changed a lot of things, I'm trying to find the positives and not focus on the negatives. Some days it's harder than others. Some days I just want to be sad, others, life feels like it's getting back to normal.
I thank God every day for giving me two beautiful daughters to help get me through this. And Ross and I have become closer than we've ever been. We are communicating in ways I've wanted us to for a long time. We are open and honest with our feelings about our loss.
That's where I'm at today.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
A Funny For Today
This made me smile! I know any mother who has breastfed will totally relate :)
I laugh a little more each day even though it still hurts to think about losing David. Baby steps right?
I laugh a little more each day even though it still hurts to think about losing David. Baby steps right?
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
More Photos & Thoughts About David
We visited David today, 1 week after his birth and death. I still don't know how to classify what happened. Is it considered a miscarriage or a still born? I don't know yet. That's something I'm going to talk to my OB about next week. He was alive and had a heartbeat about an hour before I delivered him. Obviously, he wasn't developed enough to sustain life outside of the womb, so I'm not really sure when he would have died.
In the previous pictures I shared, you saw the box that the hospital sent him home in. It was a beautiful box, but Ross and I both felt that David should have something a little sturdier to be buried in. Ross built this pine box for him. I think the building process and the process of actually preparing the grave site was very beneficial in Ross' grieving.
It may seem a little morbid to some, but I really felt the need to have something lifelong to look back on and remember him by. So we decided to take a few pictures before we buried him. I was really glad that neither Ross or I felt like smiling though, that would have felt weird. The girls did, simply because they are so used to being told to smile when someone is taking a picture.
It's been very therapeutic for me to blog about my feelings and share these pictures. I know that many of you have posted comments here and on Facebook and while I may not have responded personally to you, I had read and received each and every message with a lot of gratitude. It's comforting to know that so many people have felt the hurt with us and are praying for us as we heal. Things won't be the same ever again, but I know that God has a purpose and a plan for our lives and I'm trusting in Him to get us through this season in our lives. My good, lifelong friend Shelley posted a scripture the other day that really ministered to me.
It may seem a little morbid to some, but I really felt the need to have something lifelong to look back on and remember him by. So we decided to take a few pictures before we buried him. I was really glad that neither Ross or I felt like smiling though, that would have felt weird. The girls did, simply because they are so used to being told to smile when someone is taking a picture.
To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
A time to die;
A time to plant,
A time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
A time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Ramblings
I still don't have my thoughts coherent enough to put David's birth story down.
I'm sad...the pain of losing my son is less sharp, but I'm still extremely sad.
My girls bring me great joy every day, I know they are going to make things easier in the healing process.
I'm extremely irritable, especially when it comes to my patience level with the girls.
The kind words and messages I've received via Facebook, this blog, snail mail, texts and phone calls have blessed me. It helps to know that so many people understand what I'm feeling and are reaching out to me.
At the same point I've wondered at the noticeable quietness of some people who are very active on FB, but have offered no words of condolence to me or my family. I consider all of my FB friends a part of my life and try and communicate happiness, sadness, concern, etc in their lives when they post about it. I'm sure it's just my hormones and tender emotions wrecking havoc with me. Or is it that wacky timeline thing? Have I missed a major event in someone's life and not offered any words and made someone feel this way about me? I hope not....
Ross has been my rock since losing David. I've been concerned that he might not be grieving the way he should because he is worried about me. He has reassured me that he is grieving in his own way. He always seems to know just when I need a hug or comforting touch from him. We have drawn closer together and I'm thankful for that.
I'm not angry about what happened, I trust that God had a reason and that's good enough to get me through. I completely trust in His plan for our lives and I know that He does not make mistakes.
It totally sucks that I'll never get to hold my son the way I longed too when dreaming of his birth at full term. And I don't feel angry, just really sad. It's not fair, but yet I don't blame God or anyone else.
I leaked a little breast milk the other day. It was a very surreal moment, but I didn't burst into tears, just felt sadness that I'll never get to enjoy the pleasure of feeding David that way.
The first few days after coming home, I took the prescribed pain medication on schedule even though my body probably didn't need it that often, I felt the need to be somewhat numb. I told the doctor to give me as much as she could because it wasn't fair that I was feeling the after affects of labor and delivery, but had no babe in my arms to make it worthwhile.
The contractions I felt before delivering David were very real. I didn't handle them with as much grace and poise as I did with my first two, I knew the outcome probably wouldn't be good when they were happening. I was whiny and complaining the whole time.
I'm thankful that I got to hear David's heartbeat less than an hour before I delivered him. If they hadn't been able to find it, I'm sure the pain of labor would have been even harder to bear.
I'm glad the doctor slipped on Monday and told us we were having a boy. The loss would have been doubly hard had we found out upon delivery that it was our first son.
I have nothing else tonight, but it felt good to verbalize some of my feelings.
I'm sad...the pain of losing my son is less sharp, but I'm still extremely sad.
My girls bring me great joy every day, I know they are going to make things easier in the healing process.
I'm extremely irritable, especially when it comes to my patience level with the girls.
The kind words and messages I've received via Facebook, this blog, snail mail, texts and phone calls have blessed me. It helps to know that so many people understand what I'm feeling and are reaching out to me.
At the same point I've wondered at the noticeable quietness of some people who are very active on FB, but have offered no words of condolence to me or my family. I consider all of my FB friends a part of my life and try and communicate happiness, sadness, concern, etc in their lives when they post about it. I'm sure it's just my hormones and tender emotions wrecking havoc with me. Or is it that wacky timeline thing? Have I missed a major event in someone's life and not offered any words and made someone feel this way about me? I hope not....
Ross has been my rock since losing David. I've been concerned that he might not be grieving the way he should because he is worried about me. He has reassured me that he is grieving in his own way. He always seems to know just when I need a hug or comforting touch from him. We have drawn closer together and I'm thankful for that.
I'm not angry about what happened, I trust that God had a reason and that's good enough to get me through. I completely trust in His plan for our lives and I know that He does not make mistakes.
It totally sucks that I'll never get to hold my son the way I longed too when dreaming of his birth at full term. And I don't feel angry, just really sad. It's not fair, but yet I don't blame God or anyone else.
I leaked a little breast milk the other day. It was a very surreal moment, but I didn't burst into tears, just felt sadness that I'll never get to enjoy the pleasure of feeding David that way.
The first few days after coming home, I took the prescribed pain medication on schedule even though my body probably didn't need it that often, I felt the need to be somewhat numb. I told the doctor to give me as much as she could because it wasn't fair that I was feeling the after affects of labor and delivery, but had no babe in my arms to make it worthwhile.
The contractions I felt before delivering David were very real. I didn't handle them with as much grace and poise as I did with my first two, I knew the outcome probably wouldn't be good when they were happening. I was whiny and complaining the whole time.
I'm thankful that I got to hear David's heartbeat less than an hour before I delivered him. If they hadn't been able to find it, I'm sure the pain of labor would have been even harder to bear.
I'm glad the doctor slipped on Monday and told us we were having a boy. The loss would have been doubly hard had we found out upon delivery that it was our first son.
I have nothing else tonight, but it felt good to verbalize some of my feelings.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Pictures of Baby David from the Hospital
These pictures could be disturbing to some, I think they are beautiful because he is my son. I will add a little fluff so you don't see them as soon as you click on this post. Keep scrolling
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Baby David
On Wednesday morning, May 9th, 2012 at 8:50am, our first son, David, was born at 15 weeks gestation. He went home to be with Jesus.
Our hearts are broken, but beginning to heal. We are burying him today. My thoughts are extremely scattered so I'm not going to try and write about my experience yet, but I wanted to share a few pictures that are important to us.
Our hearts are broken, but beginning to heal. We are burying him today. My thoughts are extremely scattered so I'm not going to try and write about my experience yet, but I wanted to share a few pictures that are important to us.
This is the tree on Ross' grandparents farm that David is going to be buried under
This will be the view from his resting place
Alexis is holding the memory box the hospital gave us and Isabel a teddy bear they gave us for him
This is the box that they sent David home with us in. Ross built a wooden box to place this one in for him to be buried in.
Alexis really wanted Baby David to be beside her
Ross took this one last night.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Exciting days on Hwy TT
Well ok, I haven't done such a good job of posting daily.....I'm keeping pretty busy with other stuff these days!
We spent some quality time with my sweet neighbor and her family last week. They moved here last fall and Becky and I bonded quickly and have a lot of the same ideas about life and such. She and her husband Steve have 7 beautiful children! Alexis and Isabel love spending time with them and are getting lots of practice for our new baby. Juliana is 3 months and they dote on her! She is the sweetest little thing you'll ever see. I promise to get some pictures of them this week so you can put faces with names.
Anyway, back to last week, on Wednesday we got our first of three visits from the exterminator (old house=lots of place for creepy crawlies to come in). Because I'm pregnant I have to be out of the house for at least 4 hours. We killed some time in town, running some errands, played at the park, had lunch, and I still had at least another hour before I could be back in the house. I called up Becky to see if we could invade their space for about an hour or so. 1 hour turned into 3 and the girls didn't want to leave then, so we promised to come back the next afternoon as well.
Back down the road we went the next afternoon and stayed for 6 hours this time! We stayed for supper and I got a new recipe that's super yummy. I also got some cake recipes for her since the one I attempted to make for Alexis' birthday was kind of a flop. She always makes and decorates her kids cakes so I got lot of pointers from her.
On Friday, we switched locations and they came to our house instead. The kids have so much fun and you would never believe there were 8 kids, plus a baby crammed in our little house for as good as they all were.
Saturday was a pretty laid back day at home, had a late supper at the in-laws. Homemade biscuits with gravy for breakfast Sunday morning, again down at my mother and father-in-laws. Sunday, I worked on the house and laundry and then watched it rain buckets that afternoon and evening.
Monday is our Rolla day, Alexis has dance and I do the grocery shopping for the week. We also picked up the proofs from the girls picture session last week. So cute!!! I'll share a couple at the end of this post. We got to watch a little bit of my niece Hannah's soccer game last night on our way home from Rolla. My sister had all of my maternity clothes from her last pregnancy and she gave me all that back, plus a ton of stuff she had gotten as well. I should be pretty set on "baby belly" clothes as Alexis calls them! I am 12 weeks today and glad to say that I can still wear all my "normal" clothes.
So, now we have reached today and the excitement! Laugh if you want, but I was ecstatic when Ross told me he called to get new gravel for the driveway!!! We have been in desperate need for awhile now. It really is amazing the little things that can get you so excited. 10 years ago I wouldn't have considered anything about gravel remotely exciting. There you have it then, you are caught up on my boring little life. See ya again soon!
We spent some quality time with my sweet neighbor and her family last week. They moved here last fall and Becky and I bonded quickly and have a lot of the same ideas about life and such. She and her husband Steve have 7 beautiful children! Alexis and Isabel love spending time with them and are getting lots of practice for our new baby. Juliana is 3 months and they dote on her! She is the sweetest little thing you'll ever see. I promise to get some pictures of them this week so you can put faces with names.
Anyway, back to last week, on Wednesday we got our first of three visits from the exterminator (old house=lots of place for creepy crawlies to come in). Because I'm pregnant I have to be out of the house for at least 4 hours. We killed some time in town, running some errands, played at the park, had lunch, and I still had at least another hour before I could be back in the house. I called up Becky to see if we could invade their space for about an hour or so. 1 hour turned into 3 and the girls didn't want to leave then, so we promised to come back the next afternoon as well.
Back down the road we went the next afternoon and stayed for 6 hours this time! We stayed for supper and I got a new recipe that's super yummy. I also got some cake recipes for her since the one I attempted to make for Alexis' birthday was kind of a flop. She always makes and decorates her kids cakes so I got lot of pointers from her.
On Friday, we switched locations and they came to our house instead. The kids have so much fun and you would never believe there were 8 kids, plus a baby crammed in our little house for as good as they all were.
Saturday was a pretty laid back day at home, had a late supper at the in-laws. Homemade biscuits with gravy for breakfast Sunday morning, again down at my mother and father-in-laws. Sunday, I worked on the house and laundry and then watched it rain buckets that afternoon and evening.
Monday is our Rolla day, Alexis has dance and I do the grocery shopping for the week. We also picked up the proofs from the girls picture session last week. So cute!!! I'll share a couple at the end of this post. We got to watch a little bit of my niece Hannah's soccer game last night on our way home from Rolla. My sister had all of my maternity clothes from her last pregnancy and she gave me all that back, plus a ton of stuff she had gotten as well. I should be pretty set on "baby belly" clothes as Alexis calls them! I am 12 weeks today and glad to say that I can still wear all my "normal" clothes.
So, now we have reached today and the excitement! Laugh if you want, but I was ecstatic when Ross told me he called to get new gravel for the driveway!!! We have been in desperate need for awhile now. It really is amazing the little things that can get you so excited. 10 years ago I wouldn't have considered anything about gravel remotely exciting. There you have it then, you are caught up on my boring little life. See ya again soon!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Photo Session Time
It hasn't been that long since I got the girls pictures done, but I wanted to take advantage of the beautiful weather and get some outdoor shots done. I'm very excited that Kelley is going to be taking the girls pictures this afternoon. I hope they cooperate this time. Last time we tried to do an outdoor shoot, it didn't turn out so well. I waited too late in the year to do it. It was July and it was a super humid day and the hair was crazy frizzy, and the girls were super cranky. *Fingers crossed for today*
We almost had a catastrophe this morning. Alexis came up to me and said, "Mommy, I've got gum in my hair." "Oh no, this could be bad" was my first thought...it wasn't as bad as it could have been, thankfully. It was hair from the underneath in the back and on the very end. Instead of messing with peanut butter or anything like that, I just snipped it out. No harm, no foul!
I actually let go of some of my mommy control issues this year and allowed the girls to pick whatever dress they wanted for Easter. I usually try and get them somewhat coordinating colors without matching them perfectly. I'm very proud to say, their dresses don't even come close to matching, but they are both adorable and look just fine together. They will be getting pictures done in them and then a more color coordinated, casual summer outfit also.
Here's a few pictures I snapped yesterday:
We almost had a catastrophe this morning. Alexis came up to me and said, "Mommy, I've got gum in my hair." "Oh no, this could be bad" was my first thought...it wasn't as bad as it could have been, thankfully. It was hair from the underneath in the back and on the very end. Instead of messing with peanut butter or anything like that, I just snipped it out. No harm, no foul!
I actually let go of some of my mommy control issues this year and allowed the girls to pick whatever dress they wanted for Easter. I usually try and get them somewhat coordinating colors without matching them perfectly. I'm very proud to say, their dresses don't even come close to matching, but they are both adorable and look just fine together. They will be getting pictures done in them and then a more color coordinated, casual summer outfit also.
Here's a few pictures I snapped yesterday:
Sunday, April 8, 2012
He Is Risen!
We had a very busy Easter weekend. Ross didn't remember until he was talking to his co-workers Thursday evening that he didn't have to work on Friday night, Good Friday is one of his paid holidays. So, I got busy Friday morning and cleaned the house and then we headed for St. Louis that afternoon. We went to his sister's place and met up with her, his parents, his cousin's Megan and Hannah and we all went to eat at Texas Roadhouse. It was yummy!
We spend the night over at my parents house and on Saturday we dyed eggs with the girls and got some shopping done. We went to the 5pm service at Mom and Dad's church, it was great! I wish I didn't live so far from their church, I would go every week otherwise. After church, we went back to Mom and Dad's and had an Easter Egg hunt for the girls. Matt and Sera Kate came over to eat with us and our Team friend Amy was there for church and dinner as well. Supper was great, pulled pork sandwiches and a bunch a delicious sides to go with it.
Today, we went to Ronnie and Tena Slovensky's for Easter lunch, another yummy meal! We hid eggs for the kids to find about 3 different times and had a birthday party for Ronnie and Tena's 2 year old granddaughter Emma. We came home and all napped. It's been a great weekend.
We spend the night over at my parents house and on Saturday we dyed eggs with the girls and got some shopping done. We went to the 5pm service at Mom and Dad's church, it was great! I wish I didn't live so far from their church, I would go every week otherwise. After church, we went back to Mom and Dad's and had an Easter Egg hunt for the girls. Matt and Sera Kate came over to eat with us and our Team friend Amy was there for church and dinner as well. Supper was great, pulled pork sandwiches and a bunch a delicious sides to go with it.
Today, we went to Ronnie and Tena Slovensky's for Easter lunch, another yummy meal! We hid eggs for the kids to find about 3 different times and had a birthday party for Ronnie and Tena's 2 year old granddaughter Emma. We came home and all napped. It's been a great weekend.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
LIFE
This is the business that we have joined that does amazing things in people's lives. I'm looking forward to improving my life and some day soon becoming a stay at home mom thanks to the income I can make in this business. Please take a minute to watch this video.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Wow...
It's been so blog, I'm so sorry I've neglected you. I'm going to dust you off and make you active again. I can't promise how regular I'll be, but I will sure try. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've posted anything. I have a lot of catching up to do.
See you soon!
See you soon!
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