Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It's Today

The day has arrived...I have to go back to work today. :( Well, I have to go to that place that gives me a paycheck for my work. Not that being at home with my precious little girls isn't a paycheck enough for me. But, I have to start contributing financially again.

I've done really well this time around with not dwelling on this day and not letting myself get all upset or depressed, but I'm still very sad and I know that I will cry myself to work all week long just like I did when I left Alexis. And least I can take comfort in the fact that the girls get to stay in their own home, in their own beds and they don't have to be dropped off in this yucky rainy day and they don't have to be taken out of warm beds to be transported home in the early morning hours either.

Ross told me last night that he was sorry that I have to go back to work today. That made me feel really good, because I don't feel like he's ever really had the desire for me to stay at home with our children like I do. I just chalk it up to our being raised with different view points. My mom stopped working and stayed at home with me to home school me. His mom always had a career outside of the home. I think it really does make a difference in how you see things depending on what your parents do or don't do. You put value on different things. And that's not to say that one way is better than the other, just different is all. I was raised in a home that put a lot of value on the mother staying at home with her children, and I believe Ross was raised in a home that placed value on the mother having a career of her own and working outside of the home.

Ross and I also had a joking discussion about eHarmony.com the other day. He's always wondered what it was like and who he'd be matched with. We both agreed that we would never have met on eHarmony because we probably don't fit any of their compatibility qualifiers to be a match. But, we decided we are perfectly happy together even though eHarmony probably would never have put us together. It really is true that opposites attract and that is definitely the case with Ross and I.

Okay, so I totally got off subject, but that's usually how my brain thinks, I jump from one thing to the other quite a bit. But, I was basically just pointing out the differences that Ross and I have and kind of wondering about future decisions that involve our children. Like college, I didn't go, Ross did. I'm pretty sure he's of the assumption that our kids should go to college, and by all means if they want to I'm all for it. But if they don't want to, I'm perfectly okay with that too. And once again, I'm way off the original subject...oh well.

I was trying to get to the other part of our conversation last night. I was telling him that the hardest part of going back is how much Isabel completely depends on me and just me right now. I'm her only source of nutrition at this point and will be until she's 6 months and is ready to eat solids and even after that, she won't be getting rid of me until she's at least a year old if not older than that. I like the fact that she needs me that much, that's what makes it even harder for me to leave her. I know her every cry and every want and need and no one else can know that like I can because I'm her mother. Yes, there are bonds to be made with other people, but right now, I know what's best for her. I know exactly what to do to calm her when she is fussy, I know which cry means she's poopy, and which one means that she's tired of being stimulated and just wants to go to sleep. It's been easy for me to let other people know what she needs if someone else is holding her, or I can just take her and care for her needs myself, but if I'm not here, someone else is going to have to figure out what she needs and it may take them longer to give her the comfort she is looking for because I'm not here. It just totally solidifies my feelings of the importance of a mother staying home with her children and not sending them off to be raised by someone else. But, Ross and I are having to deal with the consequences of our poor financial choices, so I have to continue to work outside of the home for a while longer.

So I think that wraps up all my crazy thoughts this morning. My pump and I are about to get really close again!

1 comment:

Nel said...

These are my thoughts and feelings completely!
And I hope that some day you will be able to stay home with your girls too... but until then know that they still love you the same! And they will be amazing girls and know that you always did what you had to do to provide what was best for them.