Mack Truck Coming Through

I was sitting in the living room last night watching the ACM Awards and I glanced at the calendar.

That's when it hit me...

Like a ton of bricks it hit me...

Like a Mack truck at full speed it hit me....

There is a very good chance that I might be going back to work two weeks from tomorrow.

WOW, I'm not ready for this. The time at home with my girls has been like a dream come true for me. Now my daily nightmare is getting ready to begin again.

When I had Alexis and had to leave her for the first time, it was awful. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when I pulled away from my house that day. The only thing that made that day bearable was knowing that Alexis was in the comfort of her own home with her Grandma (Mom). I cried the whole way to work and teared up all throughout the night when I thought about it.

I won't say that it got any easier, but I did get used to it after awhile. I accepted my reality and tried to make the best of it instead of being miserable all the time. I do enjoy working, but I'd much rather be at home. I do miss my friends from work, but I'd much rather talk to Alexis and Isabel all day.

When Isabel was born, I knew there was a very good chance that I'd have the opportunity to get some lay off time because my maternity leave would be ending around the time we get really slow at the DC and they start laying people off. The nice thing about our lay off is that it's voluntary at this point. And while laid off, you draw unemployment.

I did work for three weeks after my maternity leave, before my lay off began. That almost feels like it wasn't even real though. I didn't go through the same anxiety about leaving because I knew it would be for such a short time. I missed the girls every day and was so glad when my leave began!

Now, my perfect little fantasy world is getting ready to end. I'll find out on Tuesday or Wednesday if I can extend my leave through the month of May. If not, I go back to work at 4:30pm on May 4th.

I don't think things would be so hard if Ross and I worked normal schedules. It's a challenge to find babysitters at night and even more challenging to find babysitters that are willing to come to our home. It pretty much limits our options. But, Ross and I don't feel like it's fair to take the girls somewhere else only to disturb them at midnight when he gets off. And staying somewhere until the morning is just not an option either.

I don't think I'd be feeling so miserable about it if I thought there was a chance for Ross or I to get a day shift job. That would be the ideal situation, then we'd barely need any outside help to keep the girls and we'd actually get to raise them ourselves. But, it doesn't look like Ross has any chance of getting to days anytime soon. Typically, when someone needs to be hired at his job, they offer the evening shifters positions on day shift and then hire for evenings. When Ross was off for two weeks when we had Isabel, they hired someone for his same job, but he never got the offer for day shift, the new guy got it. And the new guy is young, single, and has no children. He even said he wouldn't mind working evenings. But for whatever reason it's not happening for Ross.

There is a possibility that I could get to day shift, but that will be a challenge as well. The DC posts jobs and you have to bid on it. It's based on seniority, which I'm getting up there with. But, the posting are far and few between for day shift and there haven't been any for the last 5 months.

That's what's been on my mind today, not a very uplifting topic, but that's life I suppose. Pray that I get good news this week and I get an extension on my leave. I know eventually I have to go back, but a little bit more time at home would be so wonderful!