Monday, April 5, 2010


I want to talk a little about regrets today. Things that I regret and some things I don't regret.

Do you ever have one of those moments when you realize that you should have done something important, but now it's too late?

I had one of those moments this morning. My Mom called this morning at 7:18am, that's really early for anyone to call my house, much less my Mom. I was laying in Alexis' bed with her, getting her settled after she had gotten her arm stuck between her mattress and the railing on her bed. I knew before I even got back to our room who had called and why.

I asked anyway just to confirm what I feared. Lucille, my step-grandma, had passed away this morning. Lucille was married to my Grandpa Gaugel (my Mom's dad) after my Grandma died in 1983. She was the only grandma I can remember, although I never called her grandma, she was always Lucille. She never had any children of her own from her first marriage, so children and grandchildren weren't necessarily her thing. Still, she's a member of our family and I'm sad that she passed and I will miss her.

Lucille has been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year and we knew her health was deteriorating fast. She had been in the hospital for the past week and one of the doctors gave her 2-3 weeks to live. They were preparing to send her home with hospice to die. She had seemed to be doing better at the end of last week, still not well obviously, but not struggling for each breathe as she had been. (She had some cancerous spots on her lungs and it was getting harder and harder for her to breathe even with oxygen assistance.)

It had been awhile since our last visit to see her, so I knew we were going soon, we just didn't make it soon enough.

I regret that I didn't make the time to run down and see her yesterday when I had the chance. Now, I'll never have another chance to see her on this earth.

I regret that I didn't get over to see her more often when she was still alive. I don't regret that I started going to see her with my children and how much she enjoyed getting to meet and know them. I do regret that it took me having kids to make visiting her a regular thing.

I regret that I didn't make an effort to visit her more regularly after I moved away from the area. (Bonne Terre/Farmington) I regret that even though I didn't make enough time to visit her, I could have picked up the phone and called her more often.

While I do have regrets, I am glad that she is no longer struggling for each breathe. She is once again whole and she is now with my Grandpa and Jesus. And I can rejoice knowing that I will get to see her again someday.

I'm trying to explain death and dying to Alexis, but she doesn't really understand. Any words of wisdom from someone who has had to explain a family member dying to a young child?

 Lucille meeting Alexis - June 2007
Visiting with Lucille - May 2009
Lucille meeting Isabel - November 2009


valerie said...

I'm so sorry to hear this! Will be thinking of and praying for all of you.
It's so nice you were so close with your step-grandma, too. I never had that kind of a relationship with mine.

Murdock's mama said...

Terrible news! So sad to hear this. These thoughts are totally normal. I go back and forth with the same is so hard to juggle all of lifes balls without letting them bounce sometimes. Hang in there...I'll be praying for you!


Ashley said...

jess, I feel very sad hearing this news. Makes me miss my grandma even more tonight. I just talk to Hunter and Graysen about how GG now lives in Heaven with Jesus. No longer next door, but in her new house in heaven. WE talk about how we will see her again, when Jesus decides it's our turn to go to Heaven. We talk about how wonderful Heaven and Jesus are. I think my kids are much more familiar with dying and Heaven then most kids because it's been such a common topic since Claire went with Jesus... let me know if you want to talk...


Jenna said...

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss! Your family will be in my prayers. I'm sure you have many great memories of her!